The dark side of fame is creeping up on our *star* columnist: Steve Canavan

I was initially a little frightened as I thought I was about to be the victim of a violent knife attack and would appear on the front cover of the Daily Mail.

I was about to scream, ‘don’t do it – I’ve got a family, and I do a lot of charity work’, when he lowered his hand and said, ‘are you the guy that writes in the paper?’

I always hesitate before answering when asked this, for it might be that I’ve written something they have found offensive and if I say ‘yes’, they may launch into a lengthy and bitter complaint.

So before answering the gentleman with the moustache, I carefully studied his face to see if there were any signs of anger. He seemed calm so I confirmed I was indeed that chap.

‘Oh, that’s great,’ he said. ‘I thought it was, but I wasn’t sure because you look much older in real life than you do In the paper.’

I thanked him profusely for his comment.

‘Reason for asking,’ he said, ‘is because my wife is a huge fan of yours. She has her 60th birthday coming up and I wondered if you’d come and surprise her?’

I looked at him for a moment to see if he was being funny, or if he had been drinking. As far as I could tell he hadn’t.

This was a tricky situation. Clearly it is lovely and flattering that his wife likes the rubbish I write and I’m happy about that. But I have to confess that with the best will in the world I’m not that keen on turning up at the landmark birthday celebration of a complete stranger.

‘Erm, that’s very nice of you to offer but I couldn’t possibly intrude,’ I answered.

‘No, it’s no problem at all,’ he said, big smile on his face. ‘She’ll be over-the-moon to see you and we’ve got relations here from Australia so they’ll be delighted to meet you too’.

This was getting worse. Not only was I now going to the birthday party of a woman I’d never met but I was meeting her cousin Vinnie from Melbourne too.

‘Oh that’s great,’ I said, slight desperation in my voice, ‘but you’ll probably have a house full and I’d only get in the way.’

‘Nonsense’, he replied, ‘it would be an honour. Each week she cuts your column out of the paper and keeps it in a scrapbook’.

I’d now gone from being flattered to feeling alarmed. I’ve never had a stalker before but I imagine that’s how it starts – one moment a cutting in a scrapbook, the next someone parked outside my house with binoculars and a sawn-off shotgun.

‘That’s lovely’ I said, and realised with considerable distress that I had no more excuses I could use and was a beaten man. ‘I, erm, suppose I could pop in for half an hour and say hello.’

But then, in a moment of inspiration, I suddenly realised a way out. ‘When is the party?’ I enquired, in a tone of voice intended to sound enthusiastic and excited. ‘It’s Saturday July 6th,’ he replied.

I twisted my face into a pained expression, as if I’d been punched in the gut by a burly assailant, and cried: ‘Oh I don’t believe it. Of all the days. It’s my Aunty Lynda’s birthday on July 6th and we’re having a huge party. I’m so sorry, I won’t be able to make it.’

He looked crestfallen. ‘Oh well, it was worth asking,’ he said, before waving farewell and trudging away head bowed, moustache lightly flapping in the breeze.

I suddenly couldn’t help but feel a little guilty, though the guilt was quickly outweighed by the sense of relief.

The moral of the story is this – next time someone asks if I’m the chap who writes in the paper, I’m saying ‘no, never heard of him’