David Attenborough ought to commentate on tennis

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Thank goodness Wimbledon’s over for another year.

I don’t normally mind a bit of tennis – in fact myself and a good friend of mine enjoy a knock-up every now again.

To be honest there’s usually more chatting going on than actual rallies and the only time we had our own ballboy he had a wagging tail and tried to run off with it into the field next door.

That being said, sometimes there is a bit of competition and we actually knuckle down to trying to annihilate each other through the use of increasingly fierce (and increasingly inaccurate) serves.

Now, neither of us are top athletes by any stretch of the imagination. But effort is effort and regardless of fitness if you’re smashing the ball at your maximum then that’s pretty good going — even if it does sail over the fence or hit the net.

I’ve even grunted once or twice.

Maria Sharapova sounds like she needs medical intervention every time she hits the ball

But at no time, at either maximum extension or maximum force, have I ever felt the need to scream.

Is it me, or has this year’s Wimbledon been particularly full of odd tennis noises?

Serena Williams’ dual-tonal ‘grunts’ have been described as ‘eccentric’ — I’d say they’d be typical of the sounds heard in a documentary on the mating rituals of urban foxes.

Likewise, Maria Sharapova sounds like she needs medical intervention every time she hits the ball — perhaps a topical lotion or some sort of tincture wouldn’t help, but a girdle or similar support underwear might.

And then there’s Victoria Azarenka. 105 decibels of shrieking, live on BBC One in high definition stereo.

She’s only slightly quieter than a handheld drill, 10 decibels quieter than a police siren and only 30 below an actual hear-it-across-town air raid siren.

The girls aren’t the only ones making suspect animal noises — the sounds heard from the men could be mistaken as those from bull elephants getting ready to charge.

I have an idea. The BBC should ditch its commentary from the likes of John McEnroe and instead get David Attenborough on the case. It would make much more sense.