Dinner date? My usual diet is Pot Noodles and sarnies

Romantic - Saddam Hussein

CLIVE SMITH: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn about Valentine’s Day

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With Valentine’s Day just two weeks away, I’ve decided to throw caution to the wind and have sent off my application to the ITV show Dinner Date.

I’ve given up hope of getting any Valentine’s roses, or even a whiff of an After Eight mint this year. So I’m going to let fate decide if I’m going to meet Mr Right.

If you’ve not seen the programme, it goes like this. A hunky man or hot chick (me – wishful thinking there!) is either the one cooking the meal at their home or the picker who comes to dinner.

Hopefully I’m the latter, because if I have to cook then Mr Wonderful will get a shock.

You see, I’m not exactly a great cook. Think Pot Noodles, microwave meals and half-price sarnies from Waitrose, because that is what my diet consists of.

It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s just that food is never high on my list of priorities. Why cook when these days it’s actually cheaper to eat out? Plus it has the added bonus of no washing up at the end.

Anyway, back to Dinner Date. If I’m the unfortunate one that has to cook, I’ll need a back-up plan.

My pal, Janice, will be on standby outside my kitchen window with the starter already made. I’ve decided that no expense will be spared in wooing my man – after all, they do say the way to a man’s heart is via his stomach.

I’ll also have my mobile on speed dial to the pizza place next door for the main course. He’ll never suspect a thing.

Then for pud it will be fruit salad from a tin complete with squirty cream and Maltesers.

These fabulous dishes will have exotic names such as Southsea Passion Delight so that my date will be completely fooled.

Well, he would be until the moment when I actually have to serve it. But by then I would have made sure he’d had enough wine for him not to care what the food looks or tastes like.

There you have it, the perfect plan to get my man. Of course, the ideal scenario is that I would be the picker – that way I’d go on three dates and be fed free for a week.

If I don’t get on Dinner Date, never mind. I’ll just have to find a man who wants to share my stash of chocolate come Easter.