Don't talk to your dog as a way of addressing me

I’m not sure if this is because I present as a woman of some severity or, more likely, a scruffy, worrisome figure.

But the fact of the matter is there’s a growing trend in addressing people via dogs.

It’s like this. I passed a lady whose dog was having squitty moments in a clump of grass, the kind of thing you’d never be able to pick up.

The lady in question, bless her, was obviously having a nightmare of a time, trying to do the right thing.

But instead of turning to me and saying that, she instead turned to her dog and said: ‘I can’t believe you ate that. How much more is there?’

And with that she’d explained away her dog’s diarrhoea to me, but without involving me.

You hear these not-conversations all of the time.

The ones where an owner will say: ‘Don’t be silly’ as their dog stalks yours, all gums back, teeth bared, growl rumbling.

‘You know other dogs think you look scary like that.’

That’s a ‘my dog’s not about to eat yours’ sentence, when an owner won’t admit their dog’s got an aggression gene the width of the Solent.

Another of my favourites is: ‘Not everyone wants to throw your ball’, as I’m tripping over some fiend which thinks my ankles probably have a catapult on top.

Why not simply say to me: ‘Sorry, my dog is stupid.’

How about this one? ‘Not all people like having you sniff them’.

Absolutely right. Having any dog’s nose near my buttocks is not my idea of a happy Sunday walk and, actually, I’d rather like a proper apology aimed at me.

Not a rubbish rebuke aimed at an animal that I’m pretty sure has a vocabulary limited to five words, let alone negative concepts.

That said, I often tell the biggest whopper of them all: ‘You’re normally such a good boy.’

No he’s not!

CLASSY WAHLBERG UNDERSTANDS THAT FANS ARE VERY IMPORTANT

I was very sad not to personally spot any celebrities in Gosport’s week of excitement.

In case you didn’t know, We had Transformers being filmed at the Submarine Museum.

Anthony Hopkins was here, as was Mark Wahlberg and some other actors who no-one seemed very sure about.

My daughters went to hang out at the set gates and see what they could see.

And how cool is this?

Mark Wahlberg came out of the gates, stopped his car, got out and spent 10 minutes chatting with people and having pictures taken.

He didn’t need to, but he did.

I think that is pretty classy, especially as it was at the end of a long day.

Fans are important and, so it seems, is Gosport.

THESE ACTIONS MAKE ME THINK THE WORLD IS GOING BACKWARDS

Have you heard about the ruthless new president of the Philippines, Rodrigo Duterte?

According to newspaper reports, he’s had 3,000 people put to death in his first 100 days of office.

He is waging a war on drugs, drug dealers and addicts.

As far as I can tell, his solution is to wipe out drugs completely by encouraging neighbours to turn on one another and to sanction killing of anyone at all who is involved with illegal pharmaceuticals.

And then there’s Poland, where abortion has been outlawed and women can be imprisoned for up to five years if that’s what they choose to do with their bodies.

Talk about the world going backwards.