Elasticated waists and hideous colours are my top fashion tips

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Alot of people at this time of year will be thinking about doing one of the most important shops of the year –the holiday clothes shop.

The problem is that people always make basic mistakes, so to help here are my top three tips.

Always buy something that matches the colour red if your skin doesn’t tan very well.

Always buy something with an elasticated waist, because however much you slim down before your holiday, the copious alcoholic beverages you’ll tuck into abroad will really bloat your stomach.

And finally always buy a brightly-coloured swimming costume or trunks. Not only will the hideous colour scheme force people to look away from you, thus not noticing how fat or sunburnt you are, but if you end up needing to be rescued from the sea, you’ll be much easier to spot!

And now on to food shopping. Have you noticed that supermarkets sell ‘sandwich bags’, ‘snack bags’, ‘food bags’ and ‘freezer bags’?

Now, as far as I can see from checking them, they’re all basically small bags made from cellophane that come with little ties.

So, can’t they just sell the one bag, call it a ‘multi-purpose bag’ and let us decide what we’re going to use it for?

Because if you start buying sandwich bags to put sandwiches in, snack bags to put snacks in and freezer bags to put food for the freezer in, that’s the first step towards being labelled the most OCD person on the planet, isn’t it?

And while we’re talking about daft product names, I happened to be in a perfume shop yesterday and I discovered that you can buy perfumes for women called Ghost and Alien.

Now, I’m no expert on how to attract a man, but could I suggest that wearing perfumes called either Ghost or Alien is more likely to scare them off than encourage them to make a beeline for you?

They’ve surely got to be the worst perfume names since someone came up 
with Tramp many years ago.