Forget outsourcing the job, I’ll take on the role with glee

COMMENT: Attraction will capitalise on the riches in our midst

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Nick Clegg wants to pay private companies to wake up disenfranchised teenagers, but I’ve got a better idea.

For the cost of a Whole Nut a day, I will happily do the job for the deputy prime minister.

There’s nothing quite as funny as stirring a teenager from their pit. The look of confusion on their faces is priceless – in fact, scrap the chocolate bar Nick, I’ll pay you to let me have the pleasure of finding new ways to wake up teens who don’t want to go to school or college.

Loud hailers, buckets of water and party poppers will all be vital tools in my armoury. And I can guarantee I’ll come in cheaper than the private sector.

If these poor lambs need extra help getting out of bed on time, I’m the woman for the job.