Good to see EastEnders got into festive spirit again... | Clive Smith

I’m excited to announce that I’m not pregnant, the test came back negative. I just stuffed so much food into my mouth over Christmas I look about eight months gone.The eating doesn’t stop there though does it?

Monday, 30th December 2019, 11:32 am
ANGST: EastEnders was full of Christmas bonhomie Picture: Getty

The period after Christmas and before new year where you don’t really know what you’re supposed to do is just as bad. There is left-over food and drink all over the place.

I read somewhere that some people enjoy this particular period because it gives them time to reflect on the past year and prepare for the one ahead.

What? I don’t even know what day it is at the moment!

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Is it OK to have Quality Street and trifle for breakfast? And when we get to January will it still be acceptable to have Baileys on your cornflakes? There’s a good chance my blood type is now red wine and spiced rum.

While the song by Wizzard, I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday, is a jolly little number to get you in the mood for the big day, just imagine it. I’d end up like one of those 80-stone blokes who need a crane to get out of their house.

I haven’t shaved either. I’m just a top knot and a pair of skinny jeans away from looking like someone who enjoys drinking craft ales.

Aside from the festive period giving me Type 2 diabetes and living like a borderline alcoholic for a week or so, it’s always a good time for families to come together and enjoy a ‘friendly’ family quiz.

I’m pleased to say my team crushed our opponents and had the right winning mentality to rise above the inevitable cheating. As we racked up more points, my aunt upped the cheating. It’s a tradition, b ut cheats never prosper and we bathed in the glory of a fine victory.

A few accusations of cheating are small fry compared to the joyful scenes we witnessed on Christmas TV. The missus watched a few episodes of EastEnders on catch-up and my god, how Christmassy. Between my visits to forage food in the kitchen I saw shootings, revelations of affairs, alcoholic binges and panic attacks. They really got into the spirit didn’t they?

Duke looked like someone returning from Ibiza bender

The Queen has had better years. Another annus horribilis. What with the Prince Andrew scandal, William and Harry falling out and Meghan turning Harry into a tree-hugger, she’s had better times.

To top things off Prince Philip was taken into hospital again.

I don’t know how they treated him but it looked like they’d just IV-lined embalming fluid into him and then plonked him into a car to show everyone he was still around.

The poor bloke looked dreadful, like some of the creatures you see on the return flight from Ibiza after a five-day bender during trance week.

The last thing he must have wanted was his picture taken.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

What’s wrong with a PM who has a spark of personality?

A big deal was made on social media about Boris Johnson reciting Homer’s Iliad from memory. In Ancient Greek.

Now, my Ancient Greek is rusty at best so I have no idea if it was correct. But I found it mildly entertaining nevertheless.

‘So what,’ they said. Dianne Abbot can hum the theme to Thomas the Tank Engine and Nicola Sturgeon can flawlessly recite the opening scene of Braveheart.

I can’t see why people would have the hump with Johnson. Clearly it’s not going to solve homelessness or stop people visiting food banks.

I just find it quite refreshing to have a prime minister with a bit of personality.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​