Got any spidge in your garage? | BBC Radio Solent's Alun Newman

Like so many people I have been uplifted by all the different listeners who have called the radio station with offers of help, the emergence of new support initiatives and the desire to reach out and love the communities we live in.

It has been inspiring.

I’m following the rules and spending time locked-in just like everyone else.

This is an extra emotional challenge for those of us who like to be doing, to be out and about, to keep busy – those of us who find afternoon telly a trigger for a mood swing.

With that in mind, I bring to you the challenge of the garage.

Mine is pretty organised, not the sort of insurmountable rubbish dump you see on a Channel 5 documentary.

However, I have ‘spidge’ – a phrase used by builders and plumbers for useful bits and pieces.

It’s ideally brass that can be sold to fund the Christmas party.

I think the phrase originally comes from scuba diving.

I have boxes of the stuff.

There are hundreds of different screws, spare Ikea fixings, odd brackets, raw plugs for any wall type, hooks, nails, the list goes on.

I also have super spidge.

This is hard to throw away items. Examples being, a used and faulty Dyson handheld battery pack, a small fish tank with no lid, axle stands enough for three cars, a timing light for a twin carb Triumph Spitfire, three dustpans but no brushes and an attachment for a Hoover I no longer own.

With the screws and fixings, I feel drawn to sorting them into the relative groups and then placing them in labelled pots, tubs, and jam jars.

The other items I believe are too important, potentially fixable and must not be thrown away.

One of my children was playing darts in the garage the other day after I forced them to do something that wasn’t on a screen.

‘Why don’t you just chuck the lot in a skip?’, they said.

‘What?’ I replied, rather incredulously.

‘You never know when you might need something!’

The issue is that I would be required to rebuild the entire house in order to do all of this stuff.

I would also need a Back in Time Machine for the rest of it.

That’s probably why I keep it – strange connections to the past.

I wondered whether, in a world that’s looking for order and routine, my energy has to go somewhere.

My wife says it is because I’m too tight to let half of this junk go and if I wanted to, she could sort the lot out in under a few hours.

I have come back home in the past to find unworn clothes donated to charity when she was having a clear-out.

However, I think my wife’s missing a trick.

The last thing she wants is a husband with nothing to do – a loose cannon who struggles to just be.

If ever there was a time for bucket loads of junk to come into their own, this is it.

If you live with someone who hoards, collects and gathers then this could be the moment you’re looking for.

Lock them in the garage.

You could finally get the space you’ve always dreamt of.

After years of wondering what it will take to finally get this space sorted, the answer could be an unprecedented global pandemic.

Global crisis? Make a Big Mac

It filled me with wonder when last week we saw the food chain McDonalds was temporarily closing and on the last day there were huge cues at the drive-through.

One person was quoted as saying, ‘living without my Big Mac is going to be a struggle. I just wanted one more to remember this day.’

Dear God. What’s that person going to do? How are they going to cope? I hope that there’s a community support group for people who are toughing out this massive fast food drought.

Some online resources reacted quickly and have posted ideas on how to make your own Big Mac.

I can only assume that it’s going to come as a massive shock when this fella realises that IT’S A BURGER IN A BUN.

How are they going to cope psychologically when, after all these years, he could have made one himself?

Once he’s braved the slicing of lettuce, the cheese slice and the spreading of mayo, he’ll have the complete skill set.

Sure, if he wants to, he can place it in a cardboard box. He could go on to cook his own fries and tip them into the lid.

He could branch out and do potato wedges.

Nobody tell him how easy it is to make chicken nuggets, we’ll save that for the next global crisis. One thing at a time.

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