Here are some ideas that might help diving show make a splash!

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Everyone’s been talking about the Tom Daley show Splash! which seems to be the first ‘so bad it’s good’ TV show of the year.

The general consensus is that it still needs a bit of tweaking because during the whole 90 minutes of the show there are only seven dives, and they only last about a couple of seconds.

So, with that in mind, here are my four top ways for improving Splash!

1. Take all the water out of the pool and rename it Splat!

2. Stop Vernon Kay dressing like a dad from the 1950s.

3. Sharks – big ones – you know where.

4. Give a lobotomy to everyone who’s thinking about watching it, that’ll really help.

One other thing related to Splash! and all the other reality shows is that Splash! has Jo Brand on the judging panel. She has no experience of diving.

Meanwhile, on Dancing on Ice they have Pussycat Doll Ashley Roberts on the judging panel. And she has no real experience of ice dancing.

And Britain’s Got Talent has Amanda Holden on the panel. Need I say more? So, bearing all this in mind, if you’re appearing in court charged with a felony and the presiding judge turns out to be Dannii Minogue or Noel Edmonds, or Ainsley Harriott, or Chico from X Factor, don’t be surprised, that’s all!

Can I just ask all these pub landlords who have ‘Curry Club’ promotions, if I do go to your ‘Curry Club’, rather than just having a curry and a drink for a decent price, could you please give me some sort of evidence to show that I’m actually in your ‘club’?

At the moment, you get nothing. How about you give me a membership badge, or a certificate or a list of all the other members? At the moment all I’m getting is the food and drink.