How did a great song end up advertising cat food?

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I got annoyed when I turned on the old goggle box and discovered that one of my favourite songs of all time had been used in a cat food advert.

Yes, I’m talking about the use of Fever to promote Sheba. How can this have happened?

What was once a moody, soul-stirring song, remembering lost loves and yearnings of teenage years, will now be forever tainted by a darn moggie.

This should be against the law. Well, it is against the law of good taste and decency, but I mean it should be against the law of association.

I think my problem is that I don’t really like cats, what with all the digging and pooing they do in the garden. And I object to their darned haughtiness while they’re doing it.

The ad makers are selling us a sham. I get the impression that, according to them, if cats were humans they’d be driving Lexuses, reading Vogue and living in loft conversions while quaffing Champagne and strawberries for breakfast.

And all that nice furniture in their flats – where are the close-ups of the scratched fabric and the hair that’s left sticking to the sofa? And what about the hairballs in the corner?

Let’s not fall for the ad maker’s vision. The truth is that cats are happiest when dismembering small animals, shredding young birds and defecating on other people’s property.

You don’t see dog food being sold in such a sophisticated way. In them dogs just run around and look healthy, while the cats get to be sleek, sophisticated and, now with Fever, even sexual.

Pity the poor dogs who are, comparatively, the white van drivers of the animal world, windows rolled down, enjoying a bit of Bon Jovi and on their way to the pub for a pint with their mates and to flick through The Sun.

Sorry, did I say pity? I meant be joyful for them. They’re the ones having a good time and not being made into something that they patently are not.

What’s next for giving animals stereotypical traits in the world of advertising?

It’s a great song, Fever. But however attractive those ad people think they can make cat food, cat owners be warned. You’re not buying your cat a lifestyle.