I’m fed up with these muppets

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Just what planet did the high performance car pillock think he was driving on?

I tell you folks, some days on Pompey’s roads I can hardly believe what the muppet motorists do.

If it wasn’t for defensive drivers like me and many of you, our highways would be littered with mangled motors.

Last week I’m driving along Marmion Road in Southsea towards the junction opposite St Jude’s Church.

Just before you get to the speed bump the road narrows and there are also parked cars along the left hand side, so there’s only room for single lane traffic.

Suddenly, out of nowhere comes ‘Flash Harry’ . Brmm, Brmm, his sporty little number enters the road and heads towards me.

Aarghh. I slam on the anchors, then gesticulate at him and mouth the words ‘ back up’.

Oh, he’s not happy at that. Some old ducky in a battered banger refusing to be intimidated to back up the length of four parked cars to let him through.

So I let him know that I wasn’t going anywhere. I could see through his tinted windows that he was having a right old rant. Like I care.

So for the third time I mouth ‘back up’. And do you know what, he actually does. Amazing.

I slowly drive past then, as I draw level, eyeball to eyeball, I smile the smile of angels and say, politely, ‘thank you.’

A few days later I’m muttering to myself: ‘Am I a magnet for maniac motorists?’

Getting petrol in Green Road Garage, I drive up and stop behind a stationary car at the petrol pumps.

Which then, totally without warning, starts to reverse.

Aarghh again! I back up and toot my horn.

The other driver stops and gets out looking a bit bolshie.

Then some bloke at another pump yells at me: ‘You’ve knocked it over.’

Thankfully it was only an enormous plastic litter bin that I’d bumped into in my haste to avoid the reverser.

Why me? You gotta laugh folks, or else you’d cry.