I’m inventing a bottom bra and shrinking sports gear

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If I ever took part in Dragon’s Den, the product that I would invent and mass market would be a bottom bra.

Now, some of you many remember Ally McBeal and her friend’s invention of the face bra? That was just plain silly. No-one’s cheeks – on their faces – wobble that much.

What I’m talking about is something to control the cheeks at the other end. Because when they get wobbling in a sporting capacity, boy can it hurt.

I joined a beginners’ running club to help me commit to exercise. But it became apparent after a mere 20 yards that, although my chest was firmly cemented in place, the rest of my body was all over the place.

Anyone trying to pass me on the outside would be knocked over by a wildy swaying hip. Or if they came up too close behind they would be likely to get three pounds of buttock bounce back at them.

Aha, you might say, surely it’s a pair of strict pants that you need. You’d think so, wouldn’t you? Except I don’t want to be trussed up like an embalmed mummy.

All the flab control gear I can find is for sucking it in and looking good in evening wear or pencil skirts. It’s all for faking the perfect body shape, not wearing while you get the perfect body shape. As I’m not planning on donning my ball dress for a jog around the village, it’s irrelevant. I need control but, more importantly, I need comfort.

There’s a (literally) huge gap in the market for sporting apparel to control the rippling waves of flab at anything over and above walking speed. And I have lots of waves.

I need to exercise as I have soared to four-and-a-half stone over my ‘normal’ weight. I’m not – hopefully – going to die of cancer now that I have packed the cigarettes in, but instead I’m starting to get concerned about obesity and the effect that’ll have on my health.

As well as the bottom bra, I’m going to invent shrinking sports clothes. I don’t want to spend cash on extra-large stuff because the whole long-term plan is not to need extra-large garments.

With the profits from my bottom bras, I aim to invest in shrink-to-fit clothing that can see me through my weight loss (and expand to fit in case there are any uphill moments). Be warned, Dragons.