I’m only in the middle lane because of the tail-gaters

Don't worry children, it won't hurt a bit...

CLIVE SMITH: Third World War fears from the internet generation

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You know what? I’m quite glad there are going to be new laws and rules and regulations for drivers.

For example, tail-gaters and those who cut up other motorists will be fined.

But I’m not so delighted about the penalties to be imposed on those who sit in the middle lane. Because I am, I admit, occasionally guilty of this behaviour.

It’s the tail-gaters’ fault. If they weren’t in such a hurry in the outside lane, I’d feel more confident about entering it.

But every time I do, a much leaner, sleeker vehicle than mine is panting right behind me.

Why would I move out of the middle lane, especially when the lorries in the inside lane are all moving in close formation? We all know that popping in between them is not that simple.

It’s like lanes in the swimming pool. I go in the lane that offers me the most comfortable speed. Imagine the chaos if swimmers started to change lanes willy-nilly, cutting in front of one another? There’d be churnage and carnage.

My lack of desire to change lanes is also in part because of my passengers.

Well, the dog actually. He stands in the middle at the back, braced against car sickness by lodging his furry dome between the rear passenger seat headrests.

This puts his mouth slightly above the children, which he considers the perfect spot for slobbering on them and for receiving tasty morsels in the children’s vain attempts to dam the flood.

What they’ve failed to grasp is that, because they keep feeding him titbits such as yellow wine gums, he drools in anticipation.

It’s not pretty to look in the mirror when trying to negotiate lanes to be greeted with a view of our slavering fiend. Much easier to stay where I am.

But how many police are there really likely to be out there to catch the middle-laners and tail-gaters?

Perhaps what we all need fitted to our cars is a device that records other driver’s indiscretions and feed that info back.

A bit like all those ‘how am I driving?’ stickers you see. Only no-one ever phones the number as it’s illegal to use a mobile while driving and by the time you’re off the motorway you can’t be bothered.