I really don’t know how the interviewer kept it together

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Flicking through the TV planner recently, one programme really caught my eye – Confessions of an Alien Abductee.

With a name like that and it being screened on Channel Four, you knew exactly what you were going to get before you even started watching.

And boy this little beauty never disappointed.

It was one of those documentaries that makes out it’s an honest portrayal of someone’s story, but deep down every one knows it’s a massive stitch-up.

There was Chantelle who claimed to be the most abducted person in England. She claimed that aliens visit her house at night and hide her cigarettes.

So an advanced species of intelligent life travels from light years away to play hide and seek with someone’s Benson & Hedges. Right.

And she went on to say that they’re more likely to abduct her if she’s been eating at KFC!

Then there was Maria who claimed she was part alien and that her DNA had been changed.

But when she had her DNA tested, it was normal. I reckon that was the only normal thing about her.

She took a lie detector test and, according to the equipment, was found to have been lying. She got angry and disputed the findings.

Next up we saw her visiting an expert in alien abduction, who ushered her into a black tent in his back garden.

She was asked her to remove her clothes, so he could check for signs of abduction. Hmmm.

What exactly was he looking for?

But best of all was Simon, a Labour councillor in Whitby, who claimed his mother was a nine-foot green alien.

It got even better though. He also said he’d had a love child with an eight-fingered alien called the Cat Queen!

How the interviewer kept it together after hearing this I’ll never know. I would’ve been rolling around the floor laughing.

I know things are grim up north, but surely they don’t have to start making up this stuff to brighten their lives?

Expert Joanne Summerscales said a lot of people are afraid of losing friends and family if they speak out. You don’t say.