If I’d stayed at home, then I’d still have white jeans

Joanna Lumley in Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie
Joanna Lumley in Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie
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On a rather drizzly Sunday and not feeling in the best of moods, I went off to work and left my bathroom window ajar.

During my absence, the heavens decided to open, the rain got in and flooded the bathroom floor.

They were the biggest, smelliest hot dogs I have ever seen

It soaked my My Little Pony PJs and destroyed my luxury quilted Andrex toilet roll swifter than a mischievous puppy.

I’d been saving it on the off chance that the Queen might just pop by for afternoon tea, or I might have a guest to stay.

Anyhow, to cheer myself up I decided to go and see the eagerly-awaited Absolutely Fabulous - The Movie.

I was somewhat apprehensive about this belated big screen outing for the fashionista Britcom, but surely it had to be good with icons Jennifer Saunders and Joanna ‘pass me the Bolly, sweetie’ Lumley in it, didn’t it?

But I guess things were doomed from the start when a couple plonked themselves down next to me with half the contents of Asda and began munching on the biggest, smelliest hotdogs I’ve ever seen.

With a single bite, one of them managed to squirt a great big dollop of mustard on my nether regions, ruining my pristine new white jeans.

I was so angry, especially when it dawned on me that I’d be walking home and people would think I’d had some sort of toilet-related accident.

I muttered a few choice words at them and stormed off down to the front row so I could make a rapid exit before anyone noticed the state of my Levi’s.

Anyway, back to the film. It’s been 12 long years since the Ab Fab TV series ended, so I was looking forward to the return of the dynamic duo Edina and Patsy, who end up on the run when Eddie thinks she has killed Kate Moss.

Sadly the laughs are few and far between though and it’s only really Joanna’s sharp one-liners and comedy charisma that saves the film – that and the poignancy of watching these two old friends growing old disgracefully.

I really felt I would have been better off staying at home and watching the classic TV series with a bottle of Prosecco. At least I’d still have white jeans.