If only I'd listened in my French lessons '“ Blaise Tapp

Like most people with a people carrier and mortgage, my school days are a long way behind me.

Friday, 31st August 2018, 4:48 pm
Updated Monday, 3rd September 2018, 12:19 pm
Blaise Tapp in his budgie smugglers (posed by model)

School was fun but academic endeavour and I were never serious bedfellows.

I passed all those exams considered to be essential and found myself in my chosen career before the sun had set on week-long hangovers and my teenage years. 

And that is where I left my school years '“ in the dim and distant past. But there are a few occasions when I look back on those days with more than a hint of regret.

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In fact, that is how I am feeling right now, as I sit here nibbling on a rock hard piece of this morning's baguette while enjoying the view from our mobile home of the opposite side of the Channel.

But it is times like these that my shortcomings as a student are truly exposed as I blunder my way through the glorious Normandy countryside trying to order lunch without being laughed at.

My main problem is that French classes and I were totally incompatible, largely due to the fact that I was extremely fond of playing Le Goat. 

My raison d'etre was to make my chums laugh and I achieved that by adopting the most ridiculous accent possible '“ think Arthur Bostrom in 'Allo 'Allo.

I cared not a jot about how to ask for a ripe pineapple or what number bus went to Rouen.

Oh, how I regret the folly of youth right now.

I would love to be able to walk into a patisserie without making a right pomme tart of myself. Sure, I have the basics but I am told my version of merci sounds more like the Scouse river. 

There have been some small successes. I managed to buy an extra large pair of the obligatory French budgie smugglers by waving my hands about and shouting loudly and slowly.

This past week or so has reinforced the importance of teaching our kids languages, especially as our nine-year-old is struggling to cope with how her European playmates all seem to at least have a good grasp of English.

She starts French lessons when she returns to class next month and I hope that she pays more attention than her dad ever did.