It doesn't matter where thehouse is as long as it's new

Blokes want a home cinema and a wine cellar in their dream house, while women would prefer an Aga oven and a kitchen island.

When it comes to choosing a house to purchase, my wife and I don’t see eye to eye.

She would rather have the worst house on the best street. But the problem with this approach is you normally end up buying a house that’s a bit of a DIY project – and that’s a problem if, like me, you lack the necessary skills.

I guess you can pay somebody else to do the work for you, provided you can afford it. But I would rather get the best new home in a rubbish area because, let’s face it, once you are relaxing on the sofa in your living room it doesn’t really matter where the house is, as long as it’s brand new and requires no renovating and has enough space to accommodate a family of four in luxury.

Lou: I don’t know whether to be offended that apparently women are only interested in the kitchen when it comes to buying a house, or proud that our ideals are rather more attainable than those of the opposite sex!

No-one has a home cinema room and if you have a cellar it’s inevitably full of broken bikes, old furniture, paint and ancient tinned foods, certainly not wine.

Whereas an Aga and an island in the kitchen are far more sensible, even practical options.

However, I have to say neither are particularly on my list of dream home priorities.

A big garden is number one for me. I grew up in the countryside and, while our house was pretty normal-sized, our garden was huge. I really miss looking out on to fields and trees.

Second on my list is the age of the house; the older the better for me. I love character and have spent the past few weekends installing a cast iron fireplace in my Victorian semi in place of the strange microwave-style electric monstrosity that was there previously.

I’m not sure Jez would approve of all this effort!

JEZ: ROUTINE STOPS ME FROM LOSING ANYTHING AT HOME

Apparently the average Brit loses nine items per day.

Things like phones, keys and wallets have people spending 10 minutes hunting them down every day.

I’m certain this never happens to me. I have a set routine that I deploy every day to prevent me losing anything.

As soon as I arrive home, I hang my car keys up on the coat rack by the front door, my house keys are always left inside the front door which I lock behind me and my phone is always placed on the arm of the sofa next to the power point ready for charging.

By sticking to this routine every day I avoid mislaying things.

But when visiting hotels or friends’ houses, my routine goes out the window and this is when I tend to lose things.

LOU: I HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE TEXTS IN A THEATRE OR CINEMA

A theatre in the West End has announced plans to start using lasers to shame theatregoers who use their phones during performances.

The idea is that ushers will be equipped with laser pointers and will be on the lookout for people ignoring the rules.

When they spot a culprit, they will shine their laser on the person in question, highlighting their behaviour to everyone around whilst causing minimal disruption.

It’s not a bad idea. I hate it when there’s someone texting in the theatre or cinema, as the light is so distracting.

And that’s just from an audience member’s perspective. It must be awful if you’re actually on stage.

Benedict Cumberbatch recently stopped a West End performance for this reason, so I’m sure he’d approve.