It’s time to leave the family shelter and hunt out meat

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As the temperatures rise this weekend, so will a man’s hunter-gatherer instincts.

I will leave the family shelter and hunt out meat. I will bring it back, start a big fire and cook that meat as I provide for my clan.

I will ward off any intruders by issuing frightening sounds of a bloodcurdling nature into the evening sky. After our feast, we will rest.

In other words I’ll pop round to Asda for some bargain burgers.

Then I’ll cremate them on the barbecue and, to keep the neighbours away, play Bucks Fizz’s greatest hits very loudly.

After five burgers and a few beers, I will proceed to fall asleep.

Hunter gatherer indeed!