Just write down the order!

When a waiter takes your order at a restaurant and they memorise it instead of writing it down, do you get that feeling that they’ll get it wrong?

I do, and it just spoils the whole experience for me.

But I think they do it because so many waiters are resting actors, and they don’t want to lose their skill for memorising lines when they’re out of work.

n I had to pop into the surgery last week and I end up doing three things while I’m waiting for my appointment.

Firstly, I try to guess the illnesses of all the other people that are sat there. Then, I read one of the posters about an illness I’ve never heard of and convince myself I’ve got it. And finally, I cover my nose and mouth every time I hear so much as a gentle cough from someone in the room.

n Did the person who invented the phrase, ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ ever read children’s books aimed at the under-threes?

Because I’m pretty sure you can.

If a book has a giant furry gorilla on the front, the chances are it’s going to be about a giant furry gorilla.

It isn’t going to be a searing expose of the drugs trade in Nicaragua is it?

The only thing you can’t judge from the cover of a children’s book aimed at the under-threes is the price. Whatever you think it’s going to be, it’s guaranteed to be at least five times more expensive.

n Why do people download phone ringtones of songs they really like?

It’s annoying because if you call these people they never answer because they’re too busy enjoying the song.

Can you please try getting ringtones of songs you really hate? That way everyone will be happier.

Well, apart from you, obviously.