LESLEY KEATING: Burning issue of being a dutiful wife

The danger of vegan food...
The danger of vegan food...
Mind-reading - a terrifying prospect.

BLAISE TAPP: Thought Police will have a field day with our minds

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Poor Mike. Firstly, he married a blonde but ended up with a brunette when I literally went back to my roots, embracing my dark side, but that was a long time ago and he’s forgiven me.

However, he also married a girl who would eat the same food as him, making sharing a meal after work a doddle. It was just a case of shoving something in the oven we’d both eat or having one saucepan on the go. Nothing could have been simpler.

But over the years, I completely changed my eating habits. I now don’t eat meat at all and often eat vegan whereas he still likes his roast dinners and, left to his own devices, he’d much prefer a full English to the porridge I force-feed him.

But, being a good wife, I still make sure I cook things he likes. Friends have sometimes said they envy the way I regularly pull together two completely different meals with ease. I just smile and say it’s nothing.

In actual fact, it’s not nothing at all. And it’s not unusual for a whole raft of saucepans, bowls, the food processor, and various utensils to litter the kitchen either.

Take the other night. He fancied steak and chips. I wanted to try a new, plant-based recipe – a vegan take on Mac ’n’ Cheese with ‘bacon’ made from coconut flakes. It was exhausting, making sure his triple-cooked chips and steak were ready at exactly the same time as my complex offering. The kitchen resembled a student let when I’d finished.

The coconut bacon was particularly high-maintenance. In fact, to my horror, I set fire to it but managed to hide the evidence! (You could argue it added an authentic smoky touch).

Mike wandered past the door saying, ‘something smells nice..’ completely missing that I was panicking while flapping smoke with a tea towel and dousing a flaming baking tray under the tap.

Tucking into his sirloin later, he’d no idea how close we’d come to having a full-on visit from the fire brigade. However, he will now!

SALUTARY LESSON WITH THE DOG MESS POLICE

My friend is convinced an elderly couple she often passes when walking her dog are checking to make sure she’s cleared up after it.

Yesterday, she noticed there was already dog poo on the grass when she bent to pick up after her dog.

Sure enough, the couple were there.

‘Excuse me,’ said the man. ‘I think you’ve forgotten something...’

The apparent sarcasm was that final step too far, so, waving her poo bag at them, she said: ‘Look, I always clean up after my dog! If you don’t believe me, you’re welcome to arrange a DNA test!’

‘I was about to say you’ve dropped this,’ the flustered man responded, handing my friend her glove.

Not awkward at all...

NOW PARENTS, ARE YOU LISTENING COMFORTABLY?

I know I shouldn’t laugh but, has anyone else spotted the potential issue with a current TV advert for a children’s pop music album, featuring cute kids dancing as they sing a selection of current catchy pop favourites?

One of the tracks is Brit Award winner, Dua Lipa’s, New Rules, which I personally love.

But let’s hope the powers-that-be have adapted the lyrics to be child-friendly!

If not – unless they’re ready for a ‘birds and bees’ conversation – there are going to be red-faced parents all over the country dealing with the fall-out from their offspring belting out: ‘You know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the morning, and, if you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him!’