LESLEY KEATING: Darling, I’ve got your Christmas present – we’re ripping out the kitchen

Happy Christmas Lesley...
Happy Christmas Lesley...
Although Rick loves the snow, he knows the reality can lead to treacherous conditions

RICK JACKSON: The reality may be treacherous but there’s nothing I’d like more than a white Christmas

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Mike and I have decided to revamp the house after deciding moving wasn’t practical.

After much searching, we’ve come to the conclusion that there’s just nothing else out there that compares to what we already have.

So Plan B is imminent and likely to involve lots of changes – and a fair amount of ripping things out with a crowbar too – in order to refine what we already have.

To say I’m anxious is a bit of an understatement. But at least I have notice this time.

Eight years ago when we embarked on our first round of home improvements, Mike waltzed in one day during the run-up to Christmas and gaily announced I was finally getting my much longed-for new kitchen.

I’d wanted the dated kitchen replaced ever since we first moved in. But my excitement soon cooled as what he’d omitted to say was I was actually having the kitchen put in just one week before the big day!

‘I’ve arranged it all,’ he said triumphantly. ‘You’ve only got to find the actual kitchen, the tiles, the appliances, flooring – oh, and perhaps kitchen design company or two as well?’

So on December 18, instead of wrapping presents to a Christmas hits soundtrack with a glass of brandy and a mince pie on standby, I was surveying the empty shell of what had once been my kitchen.

Staring in disbelief at bare, un-plastered walls without so much as a plug socket in sight, I wondered if the local pub could accommodate a table of six for Christmas lunch at short notice.

Believe me when I say there is no hell quite like washing up dinner plates in a minuscule cloakroom basin, or microwaving food in the hallway. And try barricading an open-plan kitchen from two excitable dogs using nothing more sophisticated than plastic laundry baskets.

It’s also not a great idea to tramp forgetfully across granite floor tiles, newly-laid on wet cement, as it somewhat aggravates your tilers later.

According to Mike, we’re ‘only ripping out and replacing bathrooms’ this time.

What could possibly go wrong...?

WILL I BE ABLE TO CLEAN DYSON CAR AT CLICK OF A BUTTON?

So cleaning giant Dyson is planning to launch an electric car in 2020.

Founder James Dyson has said the new car is going to be completely unlike anything currently on the market.

He also says there’s already a team of 400 working on it which will ‘draw on their battery and digital motor expertise to further development’ for the project.

The new car will be ‘radically different’ to all current electric vehicles and customers will have to just ‘wait and see’ what it will look like.

I wonder if will be purple or yellow and involve various tubes and bits connecting together?

It would be great if you could also empty it of rubbish at the click of a button.

IF YOU CAN’T STAND NEEDLES, LOOK AWAY NOW

After enduring months of backache, I went to a Chinese medical practitioner.

Apparently my heart, liver and kidney pulses are weak and I allegedly have the residual effects of whiplash from a car accident eight years ago!

Stop reading now if you’re needle-phobic...

I’d planned to have just the initial consultation but somehow found myself lying on a couch with needles poking out of my anatomy.

The feeling when these are inserted is indescribable, but not what I’d call painful.

Being curious by nature, I snuck a quick look. Big mistake – they’re huge!

I left feeling strangely floaty and armed with lots of peculiar little pills.

Never again?

Actually, by the time you read this, I’ll be having my second appointment.