LESLEY KEATING: Don't put your pants on inside out
Over the years we've heard many stories from friends who have been to the Isle of Wight festival, like my old school pal Avril who sat next to the Stereophonics on the ferry back and had a good old chat... with no idea who the '˜nice Welsh boys' were.
But the best so far is from one who shall remain nameless who told me a very funny story about her adventures this year.
On the way home, one of her friends suggested they all had a dip in the sea at Ryde to cool off before catching the ferry home.
This seemed like a good idea at the time. But while her pals were whipping off their shorts and T-shirts to reveal bikinis, it suddenly occurred to her that she only had bra and knickers beneath.
Undeterred, she decided to strip off anyway, figuring she could quickly run down the beach and jump in without anyone really noticing.
As she took her shorts off she had a small ‘uh oh’ moment when she realised her pants were on inside out – gusset and all. But she ploughed on regardless, running really fast to the sea.
As she neared it, she discovered it was only about a foot deep but with visions of Bridget Jones in mind, being British, she just kept on running anyway.
By now, more than slightly embarrassed, she considered she should maybe keep on running until she reached Portsmouth but instead decided to kneel in the water, treating the beach to a full view of her knickers label.
Eventually she belly-flopped in full-length, flapping furiously while attempting breast stroke in about 18in of water.
When she realised she was just shovelling up handfuls of gravel instead and flailing like a dying goldfish, she gave up. There is only just so much a girl can take after all.
She headed back for shore, running the gauntlet in her flimsy undies and enduring the points and comments of a beach-load of kids who were staring at her aghast like she was an emerging sea monster.
Well, you only regret the things you don’t do, allegedly...
THAT’LL TEACH US TO GO ABROAD FOR THE SUN
Have you heard the one about the couple who were so fed up with the British weather they decided to book a holiday somewhere hot and sunny so they could have a well-earned break and get a tan? The ones who booked it on the spur of the moment back in May when the weather was changeable and unpredictable to say the very least.
When do you think this couple chose to book their holiday?
Yep, you’ve guessed it.
They chose the week when Britain is basking in a sub-tropical heatwave. The one when the sun has permanently ‘got his hat on’, with temperatures hitting the late twenties and early thirties virtually every day. And when Europe is definitely lagging behind in the ‘Phew! What a Scorcher’ temperature stakes.
Wish us luck!
ACTUALLY MELANIA, WE DO CARE
A big round of applause for America’s first Lady Melania Trump.
We never hear a peep out of her as she trots obediently at the heels of the Orange One (who’s gone up in my estimation a smidgeon since his recent diplomatic interventions with Kim Jong-Un).
She never speaks, in fact I’m not sure she’s even real and might actually be one of those very clever robots.
However, she broke her silence spectacularly by descending the steps of Air Force One wearing a parka emblazoned with the words ‘I Don’t Care, Do You?’ on an official visit to a detention centre.
Naturally the White House was quick to defend, saying it was her reaction to ‘fake news’, but where were her advisers when she got dressed.
No such thing as bad publicity Melania.