LESLEY KEATING: If you don’t start, I’m going to give you a damn good thrashing!

Unforgettable - Basil Fawlty thrashing his car
Unforgettable - Basil Fawlty thrashing his car
Lesley ended up looking like Malcolm McDowell's character Alex DeLarge in a Clockwork Orange

LESLEY KEATING: Want a good laugh? Try magnetic eyelashes

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It’s the new year so I’ve just upgraded my old iPhone to the latest model and I couldn’t wait until it arrived.

All I had to do was plug it in, transfer my back-up and... happy days, right?

Wrong!

Firstly, it decided my Apple ID was wrong so I had to create a new one. It then demanded I download the latest software which was hard with dodgy internet access.

The process which should have taken moments saw me still hunched over the laptop, swearing profusely, at gone midnight, Milly the dog at my side, while poor husband Mike frantically Googled options available to me.

I literally went through every emotion, from annoyance and irritation, through anger, panic and even tears, while contemplating giving it a good old Basil Fawlty-esque thrashing!

Mike was smugly playing on his new upgrade for most of the evening as he’d cleverly transferred his data over in minutes when in the office using their constant Wi-fi.

The next day I considered the Apple Shop in Southampton (difficult with a Yorkshire terrier in tow) but, instead, packed up my laptop and two phones, and drove cross-country to the office, with Milly riding shotgun, so that one of our chaps, who’s an IT whiz, could have a look.

He was perplexed, admitting his own upgrade had been problematic too!

Great.

Eventually, he did it. I sailed back home in a state of euphoria. Yippee! I had a new phone that worked and my existing number had transferred successfully.

My ear-to-ear grin was short-lived though as I was soon getting weird, duplicated messages saying: ‘Is this you? It’s not your usual number?’. And BOTH phones were pinging constantly.

It dawned on me I needed to phone our office IT guru for more help but, out here, I’d have had better luck lighting a fire for smoke signals.

Grumpily, I gave up and decided to just sleep on it and deal with it later, but, incredibly, by the morning, all was back to normal. It was like the previous 24 hours had never happened.

Clearly a miracle had occurred.

IMAGINE A WHOLE YEAR OF NON-STOP DAVE...

So, 2018 is finally here and with it comes the dreaded list of new year resolutions most of us make.

I’ve lost count of how many new things I’ve started but failed to keep up over the years, so, this year, I’ve just made a list of things I’m not going to do instead.

Top of my list is I’m not going to kick my caffeine habit. If I spend most of 2018 completely wired as a result, so be it.

I’m also not going to save anything ‘for best’ as life’s too short and I’m not going to let Mike near the remote control or I’ll be condemned to another gruelling year of watching non-stop ‘Dave’.

Happy new year everyone.

COUNTRY PUB IDYLL SHATTERED BY POOR FOOD AND SERVICE

We treated Eloise and her boyfriend Sean to a meal at a country pub when they came to visit the other week.

I had this romantic notion of organic, gastro-pub food and draught local brew in front of a roaring fire in a dog-friendly country pub, served by a smiling, rosy-cheeked waitress.

The reality was the dog-friendly bar was somewhat clinical and cold. The beer came in cans, the food was unremarkable, and the passive-aggressive waiter made it a rather challenging experience all round.

Mike’s pizza had a very blackened crust and, frankly, charred cheese, which was nonchalantly explained as ‘the way chef prefers to do it as it’s better for flavour’.

Wagamama takeaway next time then!