Let’s put no-nonsense Prince Philip in charge of Brexit – Clive Smith

I wrote in my column last week about the Bird Box challenge, where people are driving around blindfolded and crashing.  It comes from the Sandra Bullock film of the same name.  Of all the people doing it Prince Phillip was one of the last I’d have thought of…

Tuesday, 29th January 2019, 9:43 am
Updated Thursday, 7th February 2019, 7:33 pm
Clive things Prince Philip would make a great Brexit negotiator

But a least the papers have got something else to talk about other than Brexit and it opened a whole debate about whether he should even be driving at the age of 97.

All I know is I still get nightmares about the times I had to get in the car when my grandad was driving in his final years.

What an experience that was.

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Emma Fairweather, the lady whose car the Duke of Edinburgh crashed into is all over the place at the moment.

She’s certainly milking her five minutes of fame.

She said: ‘It would mean the world to me if Prince Phillip said sorry but I have no idea if he’s sorry at all.’

I thought you were always told in any road accident, as far as insurance companies are concerned, is not to admit liability.

An apology can be seen as just that.

He was probably more worried about the 80 years’ worth of no claims bonus he just lost.

It’s not as if Prince Philip comes across as the kind of bloke who would be apologising at every turn.

He’s not bothered about that sort of thing. I kind of respect him for that.

Personally, I’d put him in charge of Brexit.

No messing about then.

She even had the gall to go on to say, ‘I know the Queen is a busy lady but I was really excited of the idea she might phone me.’

Oh, so that’s what she wants, a bunch of flowers, a get well soon card, maybe an invite to the annual garden party.

Does she want an OBE too? 

Every photo I’ve seen of her she has a miserable face on and she’s been holding her arm in a sling like it will fall off if she let go. 

For God’s sake, you just broke your wrist, forget the apology, claim on the insurance and move on like everyone else would in your situation. 

‘We’ve got a 999 emergency rodent situation going on here’

It’s always nice to know our overstretched police officers are being used sensibly.

Take what happened in Derby recently, when an armed response unit was sent to rescue a ‘peckish’ gerbil from an abandoned house. 

Sounds over-the-top but there’s no telling what a hungry gerbil could do to you if you ventured into a property without sub-machine guns and stun grenades.

What exactly had they been told about this gerbil?

Was it armed?

Had it taken other rodents hostage? 

Good job it wasn’t a cat in there.

The SAS would have been sent smashing through the windows!

Honestly, what planets do these weirdos live on? 

A German ‘model’ who began having melanin injections two years ago to turn her skin from white to black woman, and who now identifies as a black woman, has gone on a blitz of television and newspaper interviews to say she believes she can now conceive black children with her white husband.   

Erm, that’s not quite how it works. There’s a small matter of DNA. What planet do these people live on?

In days gone past you’d only hear about weird stuff like this on Eurotrash, now it’s on regular occasions. 

My missus is getting broody again and we’ve always fancied having a Smurf, so we’re currently on to our second coat of painting her blue.