Masterchef judge’s upset over oysters is pathetic – Verity Lush

Just glorified bobbles of snot - according to Verity Lush
Just glorified bobbles of snot - according to Verity Lush

There are always occasions in life when some take themselves too seriously. I find that Masterchef is a prime example.  As with every other similar show, the judges always point out in tones of pure doom what could go wrong with the song, performance, meal etc.

They may as well just hold up a placard saying ‘this might go wrong’ and save themselves the oxygen.

This week, Monica Galetti was judging. The poor chef in question was trembling as he prepared an oyster.

I’ve never eaten an oyster for reasons that include a consistency issue with any foods that resemble nasal excretions. I realise I can’t slate it until I’ve tried it, and I’m not slating the oyster itself. I am however slating Monica’s judgement.

Talk about first world problems. In tones of extreme gravity, Monica gave the chef a dressing down that included the fact that she’d found his opening of the oyster to be ‘upsetting’.

This word was left to dangle in midair, tumbling to the ground with silence and solemnity.

I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d followed up with a loop of ‘you’ve let me down, you’ve let yourself down, but most all you’ve let down shellfish everywhere’.

To be blunt, the oyster is something that Monica is going to eat and excrete. 

Bearing this fate in mind, I think the way in which it’s opened is the least of its worries.

‘Upsetting’? Children being bullied is upsetting. Poverty is upsetting. There are obviously different levels of upset but nonetheless, get a grip Monica.

If the line had at least been delivered without such disappointment, it wouldn’t seem so daft.

Ultimately we’re talking about a glorified bubble of overpriced snot being wedged open, whichever way, with a knife. You could do the same with the average Year R child’s hanky and get the same sensory experience.

I can only imagine it’s the exorbitant cost of the salty little blighters that contributed to Monica’s extreme upset. A native oyster, one solitary globule, is £1.25.

You can buy Pringles on offer for that in Tesco.

I’m chilled to the bones and shivering as the kids strip off

Winter is here and with it comes huge jumpers, gigantic coats, and children squawking about being bundled into them. 

Kids don’t want to wear anything remotely constrictive. 

Hats and gloves are frowned upon, along with anything else remotely sensible.

You find yourself going out with a child who’s insisted on stripping off the anti-hypothermic and stay-dry layers of clothing, and instead looks like a walking advert of neglect.

But I appear to have reached an age when I’ll spend the next four months with a hunchback from keeping my shoulders up by my ears, and my fingers hurt if it’s chilly and I’m glove-less. Such is middle-age!

Happy Christmas darling! Here’s some half-price pants

T K Maxx is the land of plenty. Plenty of bargains. 

Many a festive gift can be purchased for a fraction of the original price, and one can leave feeling mildly smug with one’s economic, yet thoughtful, spending.

Until one gets home and tries to remove the sticky price label – especially in one piece. Good grief.

Have these been invented to point out to others you’ve not paid full price for something?

It would be easier to get Portsmouth City Council to give you a larger black bin than to successfully remove a T K Maxx price sticker.

Neither are they discreetly placed. This year check your gifts for the telltale rectangle of sticky mess that’s code for ‘bargain buy’.