Memories of toilet troubles on my first day at school

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Parents everywhere may be relieved that the summer school holidays are over, but the kids certainly won’t be pleased about starting the new school term.

I can remember being a terrible mummy’s boy when I first started at school. My mother took me into the classroom and after a short chat with the teacher I recall her saying goodbye and kissing me.

At this point the trauma of mum leaving me all alone in this strange place all got too much and there were a lot of tears.

Once the teacher had calmed me down, I actually started to enjoy myself and soon morning break-time arrived.

Unfortunately this was when I disgraced myself. I needed the toilet and was utterly horrified at the dingy and damp school toilet cubicles.

Once I had plucked up the courage and done what I had to do, I remember shouting and crying for the teacher to wipe my bottom.

My school friends duly fetched her and she proceeded to shout at me and refused to assist.

I feel I must apologise to Miss Spears, who probably still suffers post-traumatic stress 40 years on.

Lou: I recently read that parents are 40 per cent more likely to cry on their child’s first day at school than the child themselves.

I think it’s probably the uniform that does it for mums and dads taking their children to school for the very first time.

Each year the children seem to get smaller and smaller and the jumpers and school bags get bigger and bigger.

On my big first day I know I certainly cried, but I don’t remember my mum shedding a single tear. Who knows, perhaps she completely broke down once the school gates had closed and her first-born child had been officially initiated into the world of school, but I remember her being very matter of fact about it all.

What was far worse was that instead of buying the official brown school cardigan with yellow logo like every other child, my mother had sent me in wearing a plain brown alternative from Woolworths! No wonder I cried.