Mummy Judd reckons the answer is to get a hypnotist

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I think my mum should be put on Portsmouth Football Club’s payroll.

She has come up with a cracking plan to get rid of the Pompey curse of woeful away form. I think that if Glenn Hoddle can have his own Shakespearean-style soothsayer – sorry, spiritual mentor – then Andy Awford can have Mummy Judd, surely?

And why should she be on the payroll? Well, for giving the advice that the Pompey first team should, to a man, be hypnotised out of being so rubbish on the road.

Call in Paul McKenna, get the slowly-swinging watch out and look into his eyes, not around his eyes but into his eyes.

And why not? At Pompey, desperate times have always called for desperate measures.