I’m actually a pretty laid-back parent in my honestly held, not checked with my wife, point of view. However, occasionally small niggles can develop into larger niggles and then larger niggles can develop into full-blown adult tantrums.
Over the summer, it has not been possible for me to micro manage the food consumption of the household and there has been a sense of ‘free for all’ that I have not been overly comfortable with.
I’ve allowed the rules to be relaxed. For example, the volume of crisps has multiplied 10-fold.
I did ban biscuits and other sweet foods but that simply lead to the creation of homemade cookie dough (thank you, America) and I was forced to reintroduce them.
This summer, my children have become addicted to fish finger sandwiches (fish is good even in finger form), ice pops (Mr Freeze) and ice cream (any).
However, I also have the remnants of the same addiction left within my own adult DNA and hear lies the super niggle.
When I scurry to the freezer for the food hit, I lose control when there’s only the EMPTY box still left in the freezer.
What is going on in their brains for them to think that finishing anything from the freezer and leaving the EMPTY box is okay?
Who can’t put a box in the bin?
Even more mind-boggling is that someone actually finishes a tub of ice cream and then returns it to the freezer.
And why is anyone even considering manually removing fish fingers for a triple layer sandwich and leaving the litter behind to freeze?
After several episodes of this behaviour, I summon everyone to the kitchen for a summit in front of an open freezer door.
‘What’s that?’ I demand pointing at an ice cream tub.
‘Ice cream?’ says a child.
‘No! It’s just an empty ice cream tub!’
This is followed by the Hampshire version of the Spanish Inquisition but with a massive amount of backchat.
It transpires that nobody has left any empty packaging, tubs or tubes in the freezer and it’s a complete mystery as to how it got there.
There is blanket denial that anyone in this household has even eaten these items in the past 48 hours.
I have made no headway.
Everyone departs back to their screens.
Then I remember that I hid a tub of Ben and Jerry’s in the bottom drawer behind some frozen spinach.
It has now been there for more than a year.
It’s important. You see, everyone needs comfort food.
A gun battle with a soundbar
For my birthday, my wife bought me a soundbar for the TV.
It was purchased in a bid to get me to stop moaning that I can’t hear what anyone is saying.
For years I had to keep riding the volume on the remote control.
Also, there’s something that happens when the adverts are on that means everything becomes too loud.
I think the sound bar makes a difference.
However, when asked directly what I think, I say that it’s made a ‘massive’ difference as it was a well researched birthday gift.
To be honest, the possibility of it not being good enough is unacceptable hassle.
Though there is one minor flaw with the soundbar.
If I put it in front of the telly, where should it go?
I have to stand up to change the channel as it blocks the infra-red receiver.
Also, it has its own remote control so I now have three remotes, including the Amazon thing.
This means when balancing a movie to the correct level, I look like a middle class Neo from The Matrix.
I’m trying to fumble my way through a gun battle, standing with my remotes, pressing and un-pressing Dolby Boost and wondering why people on TV just cant speak clearly in the first place.