Oh no - Elvis has been sick all over a lady’s Ugg boots

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Whilst I love all things theatrical, I’ve never had much enthusiasm or liking for the cinema.

My last memory of the ‘pictures’ was being thrown out with my mates from the Embassy in Fareham many years ago for letting off a stink bomb in a packed house during the screening of Swallows and Amazons.

You’ll be pleased to know that I’ve never let one off since. Anyhow, when my pal Floozie asked me if I’d mind taking her twins Elvis (yes really) and Lulu to see Madagascar 3, I thought it was time that I put my past misdemeanours to rest and rise to the challenge.

I’ve never had children or had much to do with them, but if Flo thought I was up to it then it must be okay.

The only thing she warned me about was not to buy them popcorn as it made them thirsty, which she said would make them drink lots.

Little Elvis has only just come out of trainer pants and this could be a problem. So, already slightly stressed by this news, I set off with them. I’d already given them bags of Haribos and so swiftly manouvred them past the popcorn. At £4 a pop it certainly wasn’t cheap.

All was going well until, three-quarters of the way through the film, Elvis suddenly disappeared under his seat and refused point blank to come out.

Thinking he couldn’t get into much mischief down there, I let him stay where he was.

It wasn’t until the lights went up that I discovered he’d been tucking into a pile of popcorn someone had dropped on the floor!

There was also a rather bad smell brewing. Yep, the little darling had only been sick on some poor lady’s expensive suede Ugg boots. She’d been sitting in the next seat.

Needless to say, we made a quick getaway, but not before Lulu lived up to her name and had a big wee on the escalator as we went down.

And that, folks, is the very last time I shall set foot in a cinema. Mummy Flo wasn’t impressed with my childcare skills and my offer of going to see Santa with the kids has been firmly rejected.

I guess I’ll have to find someone else to take me!