On your marks, get set, pack – gender competition at the tills

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This is something I’ve been told loads of men do because they’re ultra-competitive.

Men, if they go to the supermarket, will try to pack everything they’ve bought into the plastic bags at the counter before the (usually) female cashier can finish putting everything through the till.

Apparently, they see it as an Olympic-style physical challenge to get ahead of their female ‘opponent’.

Sometimes you can see them punching the air if they finish before the cashier gives them the price.

I’ve even heard that some blokes will scratch one of the bar codes on an item so it slows the cashier down and they can get ahead with their packing! Why do men do this? Because we’re strange.

Something else I’ve noticed is how middle-class people don’t use air fresheners any more. Instead, they buy these things called diffusers, which are oil-filled containers with loads of little wooden sticks coming out of them.

How are these things supposed to make their houses look classier?

They look like small bunches of flowers where every single bloom has died and dropped off. And even the name is a bit dodgy. A diffuser sounds like something from a car engine. I’m sticking to my Glade plug-in.

I have another idea for improving surroundings. It’s a great invention for livening up the atmosphere at gigs.

I’ve discovered that most gigs aren’t nearly as noisy as they should be, and here’s the reason. If you’re stood up and drinking, you can’t applaud properly, because you’ve either got a bottle or a glass in one hand.

So I want to design some sort of holder that you put around your neck.

It will improve things when one of the band says ‘Everybody clap your hands!’ Because there’s nothing worse than no-one doing that when they’re asked .

If we get louder applause at gigs, fewer bands will lose heart and the British music scene will improve! All I need is for someone to help me with a design. This time next year we could be...