Porn pictures on husband’s mobile disgust me – Agony Aunt 

Fiona Caine gives advice to a woman upset that her husband looks at porn on his phone
Fiona Caine gives advice to a woman upset that her husband looks at porn on his phone

Counsellor Fiona Caine gives relationship advice

I recently caught my husband looking at pornographic videos on Snapchat.

He seems to have been following posts from one particular girl, who posts very provocative images of herself. 

When I confronted him, he lied to my face and said he did not know why these things were on his phone, but this is the second time he's done this and I don't think I can trust him anymore.

I look at him now and all I feel is disgusted and hurt. 

A  et me start by saying I don't particularly like pornography, but it's been around for as long as people have been able to make visual images, and it's not going to go away.

While most women are turned on by sensual things like touch, a lot of people - especially a lot of men - are turned on by visual images. For them, porn and provocative images are just a form of visual stimulation. He's not cheating on you - he's never likely to meet this woman so you need to try and keep things in proportion.

Looking at the images isn't an indication that you've failed and certainly isn't an indication that you are inadequate in some way. Perhaps your husband lied to you because he was embarrassed at being caught out, and while I'd like to say to you that he won't do it again, the chances are he will.

So how are you going to cope with that? I wonder if your anger and disgust isn't, in some way, tied up with other issues within your relationship: Do you, perhaps, struggle with self-confidence, for example? It may be that he lied to you because he knows this, doesn't want you to feel he doesn't love you and was trying to spare your feelings.

If you have a great relationship otherwise, please don't let this come between you. Put it in the same box as his picking his nose and farting - not something you like about him but something that's really not important enough to break up a happy marriage!

Q My husband works hard at his business. His days are usually very long hours and it's rare he has an entire weekend free to be with us.

His partner, on the other hand, is always away from the office by 6.30pm and I can't remember the last time he worked at the weekend.

He and his wife take their children out most weekends. He's not pulling his weight and it makes me angry. My children need their father too. 

A Might it be possible your anger is misplaced? How can you find fault with a man who seems to have a perfectly good work/life balance? One that means he puts in a good working week and still finds time to be with his family outside of this.

Rather than berate this man, might it not serve you better to persuade your husband to adopt his good example?

Ask him to consider ways to cut down his hours and stress that, if he doesn't, he risks hurting those he cares about most – his family.