Rationing? I’ll spend what I save on wine and Jaffa cakes

There's been a shortage of lettuce
There's been a shortage of lettuce
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Pssst, don’t tell anyone but I know a bloke who can get hold of lettuce, any lettuce you want.

He’ll also do you a great deal on tender heart cabbages. Just mention my name when you speak to him and he’ll sort you right out.

He’s cornered the black market in fresh produce after a rival dealer was caught selling vegetables to desperate vegans queued up down Waverley Road in Southsea.

A forensic search of the suspect’s car uncovered broccoli heads, cucumber flowers and trace elements of aubergine.

A glimpse of the future maybe, now that large swathes of the country seem to have gone into meltdown because of the shortage of lettuce and the like.

It’s been blamed on severe weather conditions decimating crops across the Mediterranean.

There’s nothing like telling people there’s a shortage of something to make them want to buy it.

There are people going to supermarkets who’ve previously never seen a salad in their life, but are now stocking up.

The stores have started rationing lettuces to just three per customer. But how many people even buy that many lettuces anyway?

I’m not letting the rationing bother me. The money I’ll save I’ll just spend on wine and Jaffa cakes.

How much more can our country take, though? It can’t be long before social justice warriors Lily Allen and Gary Lineker take to Twitter about this latest humanitarian crisis.

I’m sure we can all struggle on through. Maybe a visit to a local farm shop and buying seasonal vegetables actually grown in this country would stop everyone starving to death.

The hysteria is pretty ridiculous really, isn’t it? A first world problem if ever there was one.

It was hard breaking the bad news to the pets, as everyone seems to have forgot about them in all this.

I let the kids tell Hammy the hamster and Nibbles the chinchilla. Hammy didn’t take it well and he’s still staging a dirty protest. The missus is going be sent in with pepper spray and Marigold gloves if it continues much longer.


Some bankers were recently sentenced to years behind bars after committing fraud worth hundreds of millions of pounds.

They lived a luxury lifestyle thanks to their ill-gotten gains.

When they eventually leave prison they’ll still be living the high life with money the authorities couldn’t touch.

So it poses the question: For £10m, would you take a 10-year prison sentence?

I think I would.

You’d only do a maximum of five years out of those 10 anyway.

For fraud you’d soon be transferred to an open prison and probably be released even earlier with a tag.

For the life you and your family could live after you’re out, you could do the crime and do the time.


After an increase in the number of incidents of police officers being spat at, spit hoods are to be issued to every front line officer in Hampshire.

It’s basically a mesh bag placed over the head of the person spitting.

Spitting at someone is a vile act, so I don’t have any problem with the introduction of the hoods. I can’t see why anyone would.

But, predictably, human rights groups aren’t happy about it.

They say it’s not the sort of thing that should be seen on the streets of a civilised society.

Well, I say that the people doing the spitting are hardly civilised themselves.

If they’re going to go around spitting at the police, then they deserve to wear one of these hoods.