RICK JACKSON: Enough is enough, we need a hard Brexit and we need it now

But now I want a hard Brexit. Yes, we should leave the EU lock, stock and two smoking barrels.

We should only have a trade agreement with them if there are no strings attached.

You are probably thinking this is a weird stance for someone who would rather us be in than out. But this is my whole point.

Why vote to leave but still kind of be in it?

Why have a trade deal with the kind of stipulations that prompted the majority of people to vote leave in the first place?

Why still pay to be part of it, abide by the rules of it and have our lives affected by it, when we cannot have our say on it or have any of the financial benefits from it for industries like farming and science?

We have to stand up to Europe’s leaders, who up until now have shown us they are in no mood to compromise.

They want us to pay dearly for daring to leave.

I thought I’d be applauding Jeremy Corbyn’s idea of a special trade deal, but I’m not. Any future PM would just be a puppet to Brussels.

I now find myself in the bizarre position of agreeing with the likes of Boris Johnson and Michael Gove and hoping Theresa May breaks from the shackles of the backbenchers and becomes the Lady of Steel we all know she can be.

For goodness sake, I even found myself agreeing with Jacob Rees-Mogg as he appealed for the PM to stand up to the aggressive EU.

Here’s the deal. We are actually in a very good position at the moment. We are currently running a budget surplus as our taxes cover all day-to-day spending. This gives us room to manoeuvre.

What the EU is terrified of is the UK cutting corporation taxes and scrapping red tape which will in turn make the UK a business haven like Singapore.

As a country able to trade freely with the rest of the world, a hard Brexit may well mean boom-time for us.

SNOOZING ON THE MASSAGE TABLE IN MY BIRTHDAY SUIT – HEAVEN

I finally got to enjoy my birthday present at the weekend, a spa day at the luxury hotel, Chewton Glen. I’d mentioned to Sarah ages ago how we never get to spend any quality time together, just the two of us. She took the hint and booked us in for a day of pampering.

I even read the Sunday papers in a dressing gown by the side of the swimming pool in peace and quiet. Then it was off to the hydrotherapy pool followed by an amazing 50 minute back, face and scalp massage.

I didn’t care that I fell asleep three times during the massage, it was so good. I also didn’t care most of my bottom was on display as the masseuse pulled down the towel, that’s how relaxed I was.

NO PRIVACY IN THE PRIVY

Apparently three quarters of us take our smartphones into the toilet with us.

While on the throne we text, update Facebook and Twitter and even do the shopping.

And 35 per cent of us will even have a telephone conversation on the lavatory. Let’s hope it’s not FaceTime.

My phone has very much replaced a newspaper or a magazine. I wonder, out of the 75 per cent of us who use the phone in the smallest room, what percentage have dropped their phone down the toilet?

Especially ladies, who tend to store phones in their back pockets.

My wife has and even a bag of rice couldn’t save it.

Now there’s one plop you don’t want to hear in the loo.