Sorry JR honey, it’s just not going to work this time

Larry Hagman
Larry Hagman
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Over in soap land it’s acceptable to let someone think your teenage sister-in-law is a prostitute rather than set them straight.

Especially if the sister-in-law in question comes from the month-long marriage you managed to scupper when you tried to poison your new husband following the affair he had with the mother of his baby. Get it?

Swapping your dead child for someone else’s is a walk in the park. Don’t worry about the reaction from Mumsnet, just waltz into an East End boozer on New Year’s Eve, find a baby and make the switch. Decency dictates that your face must be contorted with guilt every time you are anywhere near a camera but that’s a small price to pay.

Over on Corrie, it’s dead easy to kill three people and not raise even a flicker of suspicion from the police, or your family, despite the fact your wife knows you’ve been involved in a tangled web of identity theft for the best part of six months.

But shoot the main character and then bring him back to life via an elaborate dream scene? Don’t be so daft.

And yet that’s what iconic TV show Dallas got away with – so what should we expect now it’s making a comeback?

In its heyday Dallas could pull in audience figures that made TV executives fall to their knees and weep over JR Ewing’s cowboy boot-clad feet.

No-one could get enough of the Texan-based drama with its intrigue, big blow-drys and complicated revenge plots.

But then it went and spoilt it.

Having someone kill JR was fine – it was reviving him that still sounds like a step too far, despite the crazy plots the current round of UK soaps like to indulge in.

And while the oil industry has never been so relevant – what with the rising price of petrol, finding the black stuff in Havant and dictators being toppled because of it – the yuppy era Dallas summed up has long gone.

Dallas won’t be Dallas any more if it’s set in a new era, with the offspring of the characters that used to be in it.

Make a spin-off by all means, but no matter how hardened soap fans are to leaving reality at the door, there are some things they just won’t stomach.