The stork and the cabbagepatch won't cut it today

So my eldest girls are at an age now where they are taught sex education at school.

Tuesday, 12th July 2016, 6:01 am
Updated Tuesday, 12th July 2016, 3:17 pm
Sid James and Barbara Windsor

I can’t remember what I got taught about the birds and the bees back in the day.

But my kids were full of it when they came back home after lessons recently.

Some of it sounded pretty graphic, the way they were carrying on.

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It was the sort of thing you’d be hastily deleting from your browser history if the Mrs was about.

I guess the old one about the stork and the cabbage patch isn’t really a viable story in today’s society.

Everything has to be brutally honest now.

Although they were laughing about a bit where a cartoon naked man and woman were chasing each other around the bedroom with feathers!

Wow. Who knew that up and down the country couples were running around the bedroom with feathers?

What sort of feathers are we talking here? Pigeon, seagull, a feather duster?

Maybe it’s common practice and I’ve just lived a sheltered life.

Do people have feathers tucked away in their secret drawer, different ones for different occasions?

At Halloween the feather of an old crow comes out and at Christmas a pine-scented one for that all-important festive experience?

To me it sounds like something you’d expect to see in a Carry On film, with Sid James leering and Barbara Windsor bouncing around squealing and trying to evade his clutches.

Ooh matron.

One of the girls asked, quite seriously, if we (their mum and dad) chased each other with feathers.

That was a laugh-out-loud moment if ever there was one. And the answer, in case you’re wondering, is a definite no.

Apparently, after much tickling with feathers and some animated sex scenes, the girls reported that it eventually led to babies.

I’m pleased to say that they thought childbirth looked ‘disgusting’ and the baby’s head ‘looked like a water melon’.

As a result, they never want to have any children themselves.

Happy days.