They might as well throw darts to decide on claims

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STEVE CANAVAN: The case of the 'kitchen' door is open and shut

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So has compiled a list of the often bizarre reasons people lose or damage their mobile phones.

Heading the list of claims was one from a farmer, who used his phone as a torch whilst calving a cow and subsequently lost the phone up its backside!

Other claims saw phones taken by seagulls and monkeys and one that was shot into the sky during a firework display.

According to a spokeswoman for the website, each claim is fully and rigorously investigated.

Sorry, but I’m just not buying this. Are we supposed to believe the company sends out investigators to the ‘scene’ of each accident to make detailed reports?

Because surely a fully and rigorous investigation couldn’t take place from behind a desk.

Did men in white scene-of-crime suits descend on Longleat safari park in the wake of the great robbery of the HTC One X?

Were there operatives camped outside the primate enclosure with night vision goggles waiting for one of the orangutans to make a phone call?

Surely it’s impossible to prove one way or another if a mobile phone is or isn’t stolen.

How could they decide if a seagull stole a Samsung Galaxy or not? Do they wire-tap the phones?

‘It’s true sir, the seagull did steal it, he made a phone call at 13.46pm.

‘He arranged to meet up with a group of other seagulls down by South Parade Pier.

‘Apparently they were having problems with a gang of pigeons and were going ‘‘mob-handed’’ to sort them out.’

‘Good work Mike, get yourself over to Canoe Lake, there’s been a report that a crab has run off with someone’s Nokia Lumia.’

I reckon they might just as well put all the cases on a board and throw darts at it to decide on who gets the payout and who doesn’t.

Hmm, Christmas is around the corner, the kids need presents. I know! My brand spanking new iPhone 5 was cunningly stolen by a duck whilst I was throwing it some bread down by Baffins Pond. Do you think they’ll believe that?