Time for night vision goggles and plenty of insect repellent

Ewan McGregor  as Renton in Trainspotting - the gender neutral toilets Zella has visited are almost as grubby

ZELLA COMPTON: Men – just aim it in the right direction and we’ll all be happy!

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It wouldn’t be spring time in England without headlines proclaiming an invasion of some kind of crazy foreign insect.

There are the ladybirds from far-flung places eating our native species, plus Argentinian ants, Australian redback spiders, German cockroaches and killer bees finding their ways into our homes, gardens and workplaces.

Every year the scare-mongering continues. And this year it’s mosquitos. Not just any mosquito though, it’s a diseased mosquito.

Apparently scientists have urged wide surveillance.

Wide surveilance! Like we’re going to set up checkpoints around the country and have people standing on the white cliffs of Dover sporting night vision goggles and waving insect repellent.