Wanted for tonight: a cast of 40 moaning zombies

Surely, holding a door open for a member of either sex is just good manners?

LESLEY KEATING: Would you dare hold a door open for a woman?

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It’s been a long-held ambition of mine to write a play, and then watch it be performed.

I have no illusions, I am not Shakespeare or Tom Stoppard (I don’t have any Ss in my surname for a start) but as I wrote plays at junior school I thought it was about time I did it again, and aimed higher.

So I wrote one for my son’s senior school – with a lot of input from him I might add as the theme I chose was zombies.

When I say play I really mean immersive theatre – but that sounds a tad buttocky does it not? In this ‘experience’ guests were guided around the school and verbally attacked with moans by zombies.

This took place after an elaborate scripted set-up involving matron being unable to cure the after-effects of a chemical spillage and the army’s arrival. It was a Halloween fiesta.

My initial concern was would I get enough zombies to make it frightening? However, when looking for a cast for a zombie production there was no shortage of volunteers. As my eldest daughter put it, herself involved, what’s not to like? All you have to do is turn up and moan.

But what she failed to realise is the power of a moan and the fear it induces in people when they are in a small dark room surrounded by undead-wannabes giving it their gut-wrenching all.

And this is what I wish I had tonight, a support cast of 40 zombies when I appear in a Halloween-themed bookfest Day of the Dead festival at the Square Tower (tickets on the door, 8pm).

For tonight I will perform a monologue and though the evening is billed as scary I am the one who is terrified my piece will invoke no fear and the only moans will be coming from the audience at my corny lines.

That said, I will be surrounded by a cast of nine other authors also aiming to entertain the masses and between us I am sure we can create enough ambience to get the audience worked up for Halloween proper.

And hopefully I’ll continue to resist the lure of the 300 toffees I have purchased to ply the trick or treating masses with tomorrow or I will end up tongue tied, glued and stuck. Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad result after all?