Warning – avoid the Keating kitchen on Christmas Day: Lesley Keating

It might only be Champagne and Baileys which gets Lesley through Christmas Day.
It might only be Champagne and Baileys which gets Lesley through Christmas Day.
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It’s going to be an interesting Christmas this year in the Keating household.  We have my lovely in-laws coming for the day, both of whom eat turkey, Christmas pudding and anything else put before them, as does husband Mike who is a confirmed carnivore and deliriously happy to eat a traditional roast. 

I have therefore ordered our usual organic boned turkey breast from Reeve the butcher. 

But, on the other side of the coin, there’s me; currently pescatarian but working towards being a plant-based vegan by way of vegetarianism – and our daughter and boyfriend, both of whom are 100 per cent plant-based. So, we are the ones getting all excited over the vegetables.

Oh, and did I mention three of us are also sugar-free too?  This is going to be fun...

I’m not so hardcore that I’ll refuse a glass of champagne (or five) on the day as, as far as I’m concerned, sugar in alcohol doesn’t count. 

I’ve also discovered a sugar-free Baileys with almond milk which I know is delicious as I’ve already taken it for several ‘test-drives’, in the interests of research you understand.

But it does mean I am going to be cooking at least two different types of Christmas lunch simultaneously, possibly three. 

This means the kitchen will get a little crazy on the big day, what with nut roast whizzing around in the Magimix and a hoofing great turkey breast jammed in the oven. 

Even making a cuppa could be challenging with three different types of milk on the go.

But the most nerve-wracking aspect of this year’s Crimbo by far is that daughter Eloise always comes to stay, which I am so looking forward to.  But, this year, she and boyfriend Sean have had the patter of feline feet so kitten, Momoko, is also coming to stay.

Our dog Milly isn’t going to know what’s hit her. And, come to think of it, I’m not sure what the in-laws make of cats either.

So, pass me the Baileys. Now. Think I’m going to need it.​​​​​​​

You picked a fine time to woo me Emile – 20 years too late

Can’t wait to see whether deluded Dutchman, Emile Ratelband, 69, wins his legal battle to change his birth year from 1949 to 1969.  After all, Emile’s convinced he has the body of a ‘young god’, therefore his age should match his face.  He feels he’ll have more luck on dating sites if he legally becomes 49.

‘At 69, I’m limited,’ he says. ‘But at 49, with this face I have, I’ll be in a luxurious position.’ Sorry Emile, but I caught you on TV the other week and you certainly don’t look 49 to me.

And – a word to the wise – your lack of luck with the ladies probably has less to do with your chronological age and a lot more with your grossly inflated opinion of yourself.

William and Kate are better suited to rule than Charles​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Prince Charles has said he is not planning to be a ‘meddling king’ when his time comes.  Make of that what you will. 

I assume that means he doesn’t want to get involved any further than having his face on stamps or cutting a dash in ermine and velvet at ceremonial state occasions.

I’ve always felt that, destiny or not, Charles really doesn’t want the gig and would much prefer to wander freely around Highgrove, chatting to plants and managing his Duchy of Cornwall empire.  And who could blame him? He probably feels, like most of us, that William and Kate are far better suited to the job so he’s keeping his head down. 

Hope I won’t get whisked off to the tower for that …​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

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