We get an extra-time penalty - and I’m on nappy-changing

Ewan McGregor  as Renton in Trainspotting - the gender neutral toilets Zella has visited are almost as grubby

ZELLA COMPTON: Men – just aim it in the right direction and we’ll all be happy!

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I’ve been checking out the kick-off times for the forthcoming World Cup in Brazil.

I can’t wait to immerse myself in football for more than a month, with only a newborn baby to interrupt proceedings!

I’m quite happy to help now, with many of the games kicking off at 11pm and 2am UK time, so there will never be anything on.

England play at 5pm (bad for my audience figures), 8pm and 11pm.

I’m happy to change nappies and feed if applicable at any other time. You know what will happen though – it will be extra time in the final, England get a penalty and I’m on changing duty and miss it.

All right, we can dream can’t we?