We’ve got so much to learn from our European cousins

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A return to the wheels of steel over the weekend gave me the prime opportunity to observe the behaviour of the Great British Male on a night out.

DJing at an ’80s night, the stage gave me an excellent position for a bit of people-watching. Eat your heart out David Attenborough!

So how does the GBM shape up? In France, Italy and Spain, you can observe a set pattern of behaviour on a night out.

Cafe bars are packed until late, as the European male prefers this hunting ground.

He’s with his friends, chatting and laughing, taking the softly, softly approach to charming a lucky lady.

But the GBM doesn’t behave in the same way. At the start of the night, the timid male stands at the bar with his ‘pack’ observing females from afar. Lager in hand, it’s important to look cool and aloof at this early stage.

As Wham, Duran Duran and Spandau Ballet play, the females will move on to the dance floor for a boogie and a giggle.

This is the time they enjoy most, being left alone by the GBMs, who are still looking cool at the bar talking about football and other females encountered on previous nights out.

But as time ticks on, the GBM gains incredible courage from a magic potion from the other side of the world called Foster’s.

Now prancing like a lion, he demands Madness, The Jam and The Specials as his pack jumps up and down to the strong beat of the tribal Bad Manners drum.

All females are knocked out of the way by this dramatic display of dancing.

It’s now much later as the music returns to Rick Astley. The GBM, realising any hope of success with a female comes from dancing like the 1980s Stock, Aitken and Waterman tea boy, makes his move.

As a lady is pressed against a wall, GBM with one hand on said wall and the other clutching his wonder potion that makes him irresistible to women, she picks up his pheremones.

She’s had a few white wine spritzers, so responds to his rather basic approach. Success!

Good grief. We really do have a lot to learn from our European cousins.