What Goga really needs is a week spent in my world

Every so often in life, we come across a person whose own existence seems to be a mirror image of our own. For me, this person is Goga Ashkenazi.

Saturday, 4th June 2016, 6:50 am
Kanye West

Goga is a working mother, and I too am a working mother.

Subsequently, Goga finds it hard to juggle life, as do I.

Goga is an oil billionaire turned fashion designer, and I… oh.

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Goga spends her weekdays living in a 17th century palazzo in Milan, whilst her sons stay in her £28m London home that she bought for cash.

When poor Goga says that she finds it tricky to organize her sons’ ‘endless’ holiday activities, I am assuming she’s not talking about the sensation of doom the rest of us experience when we’re wondering if we can stand to take the kids and the raw bacon to Canoe Lake crabbing for the ninth day running.

Goga finds it a squeeze to fit in her own activities because she’s usually to be found collecting awards on behalf of her philanthropist buddies in New York or attending ‘anti-blindness galas’.

This is in between various trips to Barbados.

In Goga’s own words, ‘it never stops.’ Which leads me to surmise that what she really needs is a week in my world.

Welcome, Goga, to Portsmouth.

Be sure to learn the Dog Poo Quickstep before you contemplate a school run (the latter is not an exercise class), and behold the beauty of the Commercial Road fountain, filled with cheap bubble bath from Wilko.

Observe me chopping food in the evening like it’s an Olympic event, whilst simultaneously talking to my boss on speakerphone, attempting to sound competent, whilst using my own form of sign language to shut my kids up in the background.

Look Goga, as I sweat to make it to school on time, then observe that only seven minutes pass before both offspring begin beating the bejesus out of each other, whilst clinging to the fat on my upper arms as they try to climb me to escape each other.

As you say Goga, it simply never stops does it?

We could be twins.


One cannot help but wonder which planet Kanye West inhabits, when one reads that he has apparently declared himself a history-free zone.

Kanye, it transpires, does not bother reading about history, because he is simply too busy making it.

Had Kanye ever bothered to remove his head from between his own buttocks, then he may have noticed there have actually been some prized lunatics in human history thus far, and also some blistering examples of utter laughing stocks.

I am only guessing that this is not the impression Kanye wishes to leave behind when he is eventually called by whichever higher power he believes in to join the great asylum in the sky.

But with Kanye, who knows?


I read in The Times this week that Denise Shepherd, CEO of the Thinking Schools Academy Trust, has been suspended while allegations of snooping on teachers’ e-mails and doctoring parts of an external inspection report are investigated.

This is of particular interest because not only are some of the schools in Portsmouth a part of the Thinking Schools Academy Trust, but Ms Shepherd had previously declared herself able to turn one of them around.

The lack of trust in a head teacher to do so themselves, or for schools to make independent and successful decisions, is just another example of the fragmentation of our education system.

We are living in interesting times.

And in this case, that is not a good thing.