Why can’t dress designers take more notice of gravity?

Don't worry children, it won't hurt a bit...

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Only designing dresses for women who’ve had breast implants makes life a little harder for the rest of us who’ve allowed gravity to play its part.

That’s something I found out recently as I attempted to shoe-horn myself into a strapless bridesmaid’s dress.

It turns out the Americans expect their ladies to be super-inflated and make their dresses accordingly – with big gaping areas for over-spilling chests.

Tough luck if you’re over 30 and not enhanced because that space where your beach ball-style breasts should sit will be filled with... nothing.

As I attempted to fish out my real chest which, unshackled, is prone to slippage, I realised us UK ladies have a choice.

Get some silicone in pronto – or find a hoist.