Why do I have to keep on filling in these CRB forms?

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LESLEY KEATING: A white-knuckle pursuit ending with a lesson in trust

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I’m sitting looking at a long list of items that I can pick and choose from to prove my identity for a CRB check.

For those of you who don’t know, this is a Criminal Records Bureau check that every adult who works or volunteers in a school – or similar environment – has to have before being employed.

I never worry about my CRB. I’m squeaky clean, but what gets my goat is that I’m about to complete probably my sixth CRB form.

I’ve filled them in for each of my children’s schools where I’ve volunteered (and more than once), for a Scouting organisation and for my work. And this has all been in recent years.

Surely with all the paperwork involved, and with the time it takes plus the expense, there must be an easier way of running this system?

Why do I need to prove, time and time again, that I was born, got married and live in the same house? Would it not be simpler to refer back to the many, many times I have proven all this than to go through the whole process again?

I’m beginning to suspect that the system has been deliberately designed to keep the CRB checkers in work, gainfully employing a few poor souls to go over and over the same info.

Perhaps the solution would be to outsource the work to Google. After all, it knows pretty much everything about everyone and has the resources, reaching into all of our homes as it does, to find out anything it’s missing.

And it’d do a great job of assessing our criminal intents. Google probably logs all suspicious searches already, like videos on how to be the best shoplifter, plus less suspicious ones . . . like, er, balaclavas.

No doubt Google could even tap into all of our web cams and watch us as we watch what they’ve found for us to watch. CCTVing of our internet habits, along with our bank accounts and weekly shopping. Soon it’ll be Google telling us that we need to go and buy milk.

But this isn’t how it is yet, so I’m left with the interminable search for two items off one list, and three off the other if I haven’t got the correct address on the first and oh, it goes on.

If only I could remember where I filed them the last time.