Why not invent something that's a little less bonkers?
Just when you think you've seen and heard it all, someone has apparently invented a device that will allow cat owners to lick their moggies without getting hair on their tongues.
It made me wonder if there are people out there who do actually want to lick their felines.
Do they wear long, tie-dye floaty dresses and spend most of their spare time regurgitating fur balls?
This new thing is called a Licki Brush and the manufacturers reckon it has the same scratchy, rough texture of a real cat’s tongue.
The spiel says that cats groom each other as a form of social bonding.
So if cats really do view us humans as large cats, then we’re left out of the intimate licking ritual.
Well, not any more.
Anyone who’s ever been licked by a cat will know it’s quite vile. But it seems they love it.
Yet watching the promo video for this new contraption was up there with some of the weirdest stuff on the net.
The soft silicone brush is shaped like a large cat tongue and the user places it in their mouth and then brushes the cat.
Playing the video made me want to be ill and smash my phone in roughly equal measure.
The inventor says you should slowly approach your cat when it is sleeping or in a relaxed mood and ease into the soothing and mutually beneficial licking behaviour of cats.
He even advocates holding Licki parties.
If it wasn’t already bizarre enough that you are doing this kind of thing in the privacy of your own home, you can do it with your friends too.
Oh God, I can see the hipsters in Southsea being all over this.
They’d secretly be dying inside every time they licked the cat but, hey, it’s cool.
Then they’d have to wash away the taste with a craft beer – which is equally disgusting, but also cool.
I just can’t believe someone has spent ages coming up with, designing and then producing such an odd item.
I mean, why not put all that brainpower to good use by inventing something a little less bonkers?
IF I WORKED IN A&E, I’D WANT TO BE GIVEN A TRANQUILISER GUN
I ended up down at A&E at the QA Hospital on a weekend evening.
The people who work there must have the patience of saints.
The time spent dealing with one uncooperative patient can be totally disproportionate.
All the while, staff have to remain professional. If I worked there, I’d want to be issued with a tranquiliser gun!
There was a man in there, wandering about shouting and swearing at his Mrs whilst smoking a cigarette.
Sort it out! This isn’t Wetherspoons, people are trying to save lives and make people better.
Show some respect to the other patients and staff and stop acting like the creatures who appear on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
SOME OF THESE ’CHILDREN’ HAVE BEEN SHAVING LONGER THAN ME
Whether or not you agree with taking in unaccompanied children from the migrant camp in Calais, there can be no disputing that some of them clearly aren’t children.
If you think they are, then stop what you are doing straight away and book yourself an immediate appointment at the opticians.
Your eyesight is clearly not what it was.
I mean, facial recognition has put one of them at 38 years old!
Some of them look like they’ve been shaving longer than me.
What sort of man takes away the place of a child?
I find it disgraceful.
I’m sure Ameer, 29, from Northern Syria will have a jolly old time making snowflake chains at junior school this Christmas.