You can tell a man’s age by where he buys his clothes

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Don’t wear a miniskirt once you turn 35. Stop wearing a bikini at 47. Get your long hair cut short by 53 – and don’t even think of wearing a swimsuit after you’ve reached the grand old age of 61.

Controversial findings I know, but a recent study of 2,000 women did make very interesting reading.

At what age is it no longer acceptable to wear certain styles of clothes? When do you reach the point that you start to look like mutton dressed as lamb?

I’m so glad I’m not a woman. With my sense of style, you’d think you were watching an episode of The Only Way Is Essex as I’d probably misjudge everything.

I’d go for the Denise Van Outen look and only succeed in pulling off the Jordan drunk look.

What about us men? Do we have age limits on what we should wear? Actually, I think it’s quite different for us.

Firstly, unless you are an Olympic swimmer, budgie-smuggler Speedos are a massive no-no whatever age you happen to be.

Can I also say that men really should only be topless on the beach. We do not want to see your whopper of a beer belly and the ‘Portsmouth Til I Die’ tattoo around your belly button, thank you.

You can’t get trousers and shirts wrong really, unless you buy them from the wrong shop.

You see, for men it’s more about where you buy your clothes, not what you wear. We can more or less plan out our shopping habits for the rest of our lives.

Our path is made for us as these stores know what we should be wearing.

For example, a 50-year-old man should not be in River Island, otherwise people will think he’s nightclub owner Peter Stringfellow.

Now 30-somethings tend to favour the likes of Next, but start to find Marks & Spencer appealing. Once you make your first ‘North Coast’ purchase that’s it, you just end up going back to the same place because ‘everything I need is there’. Sound familiar?

Men just can’t be bothered looking around every single shop for clothes like you ladies seem to love.

For us it’s simple. From River Island to Next, then M&S and then death!