KIERAN HOWARD: How to burglar-proof your home – just have children

Kieran Howard can hardly move with all the toys scattered over the floor. A burglar would have no chance.
Kieran Howard can hardly move with all the toys scattered over the floor. A burglar would have no chance.

It's fast becoming a Home Alone remake in our house just lately. I'm half-expecting Macaulay Culkin to make an appearance any day now.

You know the bit towards the end of the film where Kevin sets up all those traps in his parents' home and then lay in wait for the burglars, Marv and Harry.

Among other clever snaring techniques, Culkin's character strategically places glass Christmas tree baubles by the inside of the window, perfectly readied for the criminals to tread on.

Well, it's a strikingly similar scene in our house these days too, except it's like it every single day of the week and it's not specifically with the intention of catching thieves.

That said, no burglar would dare set foot in our gaff. I even have to sometimes think twice about it when I momentarily glance down at the floor.

In all honesty, a burglar wouldn't be able to put their foot to the ground in our humble abode, even if they wanted to.

If they could locate an inch of carpet where they could put their little toe to the floor, they'd be far surpassing my expectations.

The better option for them would be to lower themselves down from the ceiling, much like Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible.

If they did ever foolishly consider entering our property, they'd be confronted with an endless amount of small, but dangerously sharp objects underfoot, belonging to a certain untidy toddler, and just as many larger trip hazards.

There's no way our living room would ever pass a health and safety inspection.

As much as we clear up each night after Louie's sound asleep and Lennie's had his latest feed, we still end up back at square one within an hour of us all being awake in the morning.

Not only do we have Louie's toy cars, random pieces of train track and plastic fruit and veg trying to embed themselves in the soles of our feet.

But, we now also have Lennie's play mat, baby rocker and moses basket to fall over as we try and navigate our way through the lounge.

Those, combined with Louie's toy kitchen and potty, leave us having to slalom our way around the house.

It can take me up to 30 seconds to make my way from the back door to the kitchen.

And just to make clear here, we don't live in a mansion.

Our back door is about 10 ft from the kitchen. It should take five seconds at a push.

So, forget 'Beware of the Dog' notices. I'm going for a 'Beware of the Highly Dangerous Toys and Accessories Belonging to the Children' one instead.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​


Lennie's wasting little time in following in his big brother's modelling footsteps.

If there's any kids who play up to and adore the camera more than these two, I'd be amazed.

In fairness to the pair of them though, they do have very little choice in the matter.

They both end up in front of the lens so often that posing is almost second nature to them.

Kerrie's like the paparazzi around them. She's always poised and ready to point and click.

No doubt they'll soon get fed up of it though.

They'll become that pop star who has to hide their identity with a coat over the head or a newspaper covering their face as they go about their mundane daily chores.

And in the event they can't find a newspaper or coat, the boys will have to resort to always having their hair in place, just in case Mummy catches them unaware.

They won't want to become that celebrity who's caught off-guard and snapped doing their weekly grocery shop in their favourite zebra-patterned onesie.

I digress.

Lennie successfully made his way through his first official photoshoot, at just five days old.

Granted, he slept the whole way through it, but he was still a very well behaved sleeper and kept any sudden movements to an absolute minimum.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​