Christmas with the Pompey family

Gareth Evans addresses the crowd at Pompey's League Two title-winning celebrations on Southsea Common. Picture: Joe Pepler
Gareth Evans addresses the crowd at Pompey's League Two title-winning celebrations on Southsea Common. Picture: Joe Pepler
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It’s that time of year again as we don the Santa hat and see what’s in our sack for the good folk of Pompey.

As ever, there’s one or two left-field pressies under the tree down at PO4. Of course, we need the current form to continue over the festive period to really make it the most wonderful time of the year – but here’s our Pompey alternative Christmas presents’ list anyway...

Jack Whatmough

A four-leaf clover wrapped around a rabbit’s foot inside a horseshoe.

Thankfully, he’s got an indomitable spirit but the Gosport lad could really do with some luck, too.

Kal Naismith

A megaphone. Because the Scot is so shy and retiring he really could do with reminding everyone of the role his seven goals in the final nine matches played in winning the title.

Michael Eisner

A bluffer’s guide to football jargon. The game’s parlance we’re all so used to must seem like a foreign language to Pompey’s American owner.

Gareth Evans

A Pompey YouTube subscription. So he can be reminded what took place on Southsea Common during the victory parade. Undoubtedly the Hermann Hreidarsson of the 2017 title celebrations.

Michael Smith & Tom Davies

The same YouTube subscriptions as Gaz Evans.

Danny Rose

A book on Muhammad Ali. The boxing legend’s return after protesting against the Vietnam War is arguably sport’s greatest comeback – but the manner in which Rose has battled back after a lengthy absence has been pretty impressive.

Barry Harris

A book of trivia. The Pompey stalwart recently got through to a final audition on ITV’s The Chase, where he missed out on a place on the show by one place.

Derek Adams

A Rolex. It’s the nearest he’ll get to the perfect timing which saw Pompey go up as champions – after being top for 34 minutes all season.

Pam Wilkins

A medal. Whatever the weather, Pam is always there manning the Pompey Supporters’ Trust bus on a matchday and spreading the gospel.

Jamal Lowe

A column in Roy of the Rovers. The legendary comic is back next season – and Lowe’s meteoric rise from non-league ace to promotion goal hero is the perfect tale for its pages.

Ben Close

Google Maps. So he can prove to the world he lives in Southsea – and not Fratton, as The News were writing. The midfielder is adamant it’s not even a close call.

Matt Clarke

An invisibility cloak. So the scouts don’t notice a talent with huge potential to go places.

Niall McCaughan

A pair of glasses. Kyle Bennett nicked the Express FM’s commentator’s specs amid the promotion celebrations at Notts County, before they later disappeared. They were last seen on Evans in the Victory Lounge debauchery.

Paul Cook

A stopwatch and tape measure.

To help the former Pompey boss fathom how quickly he fell from grace with supporters.

Brett Pitman

A stunt double. So someone else can take the hits and bangs the Pompey skipper’s been subjected to this season.

Brandon Haunstrup

A book on phonetics. So the left-back can help people pronounce his surname properly.

Nathan Thompson

A cushion. To soften the fall from the ‘Thompson flop’, as it’s been christened. The Blues defender has perfected the technique of tempting a foul out of the opposition.

Neil Weld

Thermal underwear. It’ll be -5C and the Pompey programme editor will turn up to games in gear more suited to an Ibiza sunset.

The Football League

The Blair Witch Project on DVD. If they can match the shaky camerawork seen in the classic horror film it’ll be a vast improvement on their iFollow offering against Northampton in the Checkatrade Trophy.

Alan Knight

A box of matches. To keep his eyes open as the Pompey legend continues to do the hard miles on the road ferrying the club’s media team to games.

Mark Catlin

The freedom of the city. Surely, it’s the only accolade left for the most popular CEO in Pompey’s history.

Johnny Moore

A placard. So Pompey’s supporters’ liaison officer can protest against his local, The Curlew, in Leigh Park, being turned into flats.

Joe Gallen

A radio show. The football does sometimes get in the way of Pompey’s assistant manager indulging his real passion for music.

Kev the Kitman

A day with Kofi Annan. The UN peacekeeper could help stop Kev bickering with Barry Harris. They do love each other, really...

Kenny Jackett

A Las Vegas show. If the Pompey boss does get his team into the play-offs this term he deserves magician David Copperfield’s residency at the Mirage.