Peter Crouch's best quotes: 20 of the former Portsmouth player's funniest moments

Peter Crouch has pursued a career in punditry since retiring from football (Getty Images)
Peter Crouch has pursued a career in punditry since retiring from football (Getty Images)
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Despite scoring over 100 Premier League goals, featuring in a Champion's League final and scoring one of the finest bicycle kicks ever witnessed at Fratton Park, Peter Crouch has become best known to football fans for his brand of self-depreciating sense of humour.

Described by Germany captain Mats Hummels as The Twitter King", Crouch has also channelled his wit in Radio 5 Live's That Peter Crouch Podcast.

Getty Images

Getty Images

Ahead of the release of I Robot: How to be a Footballer 2 in which Crouch lifts the lid on the life of a footballer, we've compiled 25 of the footballer-cum-funnyman's finest quotes, jokes and tweets.

Peter Crouch's funniest moments

“I’m lucky, I never had to watch my weight. In the summer I go off, don’t do much in the way of exercise, eat what I like, come back exactly the same weight. Which p***es off a few I can tell you. The way Charlie Adam looks at me…”

“I’ve always been in and out of fashion – mainly out, actually…”

Getty Images

Getty Images

“I’ve had some proud moments in my career but 2nd in the dads race today was special.”

On Chelsea opting to sign Olivier Giroud instead of himself: “I’d go as far as to say they got themselves the division’s second best looking target man.”

"I wouldn't want to get my pigeon chest out in front of anyone. I don't think the world needs it. I'd probably get a yellow card anyway."

"There is one thing you must know about Marko Arnautovic if you want to understand what makes him tick: he believes he's the best player in the world."

"I did a paper round as a kid, but the early mornings were too much. My dad took it over, so I was getting paid 15 quid a week, but he was doing it!"

"Kevin Muscat scared me. You know, people would say 'I'm going to break your legs' - when he would say it, you genuinely believed him."

"I think I was 5ft 9in at birth."

"[Shaun] Derry would insist on being sick before every game. By which I mean, if the nerves hadn't naturally made him sick, he would stick his fingers down his throat and do the job himself. At the risk of stating the obvious, it really killed the Portsmouth dressing-room vibe."

"Superstitions aren't designed to make sense. Before England games, John Terry would refuse to touch a ball with his feet in the dressing-room. Every time a ball came near him he'd freak out. A rolling ball would see him lift both feet off the floor, like an old dear with a mouse."

Interviewer: "What would you be if you weren't a footballer?"
Peter: "A virgin."

"My wife doesn't like football. One day she called me ten minutes before a game to find out where I was."

"I always wanted to be a footballer. Of course I did. Not a basketball player, as I get asked on a daily basis, or a roofer who doesn't need to use a ladder, or a zookeeper who can talk to the giraffes face-to-face."

On Cristiano Ronaldo's stunning bicycle kick against Juventus: "There is only a few of us who can do that."

“I was only four or five days in driving it [a new Aston Martin], I was a little bit embarrassed anyway, I didn’t feel comfortable in it all. I was driving through Cheshire, pulled up at some lights alongside Roy Keane and he looked at me like I was something on the bottom of his shoe! I had the shades on, listening to garage music, thinking I was the man and he firmly let me know I wasn’t the man! As he sped off, I looked at myself in the mirror and I sold the car that week. I took about a 20 grand hit on it.”

"I don't have any tattoos, but that's mainly because none of my limbs are wide enough to support a visible image."

"I knew there was problems with decision making at FIFA when I didn't make the ballon d'Or shortlist."

On possibly breaking Alan Shearer's Premier League goal-scoring record: "I've worked it out and retirement age in england is 65 isn't it so I should come close."