Time to dish gifts out to Pompey family

Conor Chaplin gets a time machine to take him to February. Picture: Joe Pepler

As always at this time of the year, we’ve put one or two alternative pressies under the tree for the Fratton family to open on December 25.

Although you should never give to receive, the least we expect in return now is the gift of a stack of points over Yuletide.

Anyway, here’s what Santa has in his sack for those down at PO4 this year...

Paul Cook

Decorators’ caulk – or a winning run to fill that widening gap.

Enda Stevens

A torch – to shut up all the Pompey players and staff who say he’s not the brightest.

Leam Richardson

Ear protectors. Anyone who works that close with Cook should be issued with them as standard.

Noel Hunt

Pie Face – so he gets a game.

Jack Whatmough

Good health. Either that or enrolment at the London College of Fashion. Our defender rates himself as a bit of a fashion guru.

The News messageboard visitors

Tranquilisers. You are all going to need them to deal with the mania.

Matt Clarke

Moisturiser. The same as last year – and every year until the oldest 20-year-old in the world starts looking his age.

Christian Burgess

A headguard. Is it too early to ‘crack’ that joke?

Ben Close

Hatchimal toy – so he can make the breakthrough.

Mark Catlin

A lead weight – to bring him back down to earth after the accolades and appreciation Pompey’s CEO has quite rightly received.

Ashley Brown

A stand for all the different hats he wears. Pompey director, Trust chair and Supporters Direct chief executive. He’d have to save space for Pompey head of safeguarding and inclusion, history and archiving projects and PR man Colin Farmery, though...

Curtis Main

A fishing rod – so he can enjoy his fellow Geordie mate Gazza’s favourite pastime with him.

Kal Naismith

Tattoos and a squeaky voice, so Pompey’s free-kick king can complete his David Beckham transformation.

Barry Harris

An audience. Whether it’s his days in the merchant navy, time spent working on a travelling fair or his line in terrible jokes the Blues stalwart is always out for someone to listen to his yarns.

Conor Chaplin

A time machine – destination February 1, 2017.

Barry Roche

An invisibility cloak – so we never have to see the Morecambe keeper again.

Gareth Evans

A publisher’s deal. Not saying much, but he puts us hacks to shame with the quality of writing in his column.

Adam Buxton

A boxing licence. He’s mates with world champion-in waiting Callum Smith – and you should see the right-back when he hits the heavy bag.

Kyle Bennett

A dummy. Or anything to keep Pompey’s resident motormouth quiet for two minutes.

Conor Wilkinson and Dominic Hyam

A plaque at Fratton Park – the only way the pair will be remembered after entirely forgettable loan spells with the Blues.

Iain McInnes

VIP grand prix tickets. The Pompey chairman gave up his last set to be with Blues fans at the end of the pre-season tour to Ireland.

Carl Baker

A Gremlin. So he can have someone else who understands his aversion to bright light at night.

David Forde

A bouquet of flowers. Or anything to make the Pompey keeper look less intimidating when doing interviews.

Jamille Matt

A laser pen – so the former Plymouth striker who clashed with Michael Doyle in the play-offs can finally see red.

Clark Denford

A new wardrobe. He’s looking less emaciated now after losing an incredible seven stone this year – but Pompey’s assistant kit man still needs some new clobber.

Robbie Blake

A ticket to Ayresome Park. What the Pompey coach wouldn’t give to go back there and see Bernie Slaven, Gary Pallister, Stuart Ripley & Co play again.

Tony Brown

A job with the Dublin Tourist Board. Pompey’s finance director is your go-to man if you ever visit Ireland’s capital.

Michael Doyle

A free pass on interviews. The skipper must get sick of being the man to front up when times are tough.

Alan Knight

A chauffeur. Or anyone to share the driving load for the Blues legend as he ferries the club’s media team to and from games.

Danny Rose

Work experience at The News. The midfielder has aspirations of a future in the media and is proving adept, too.

Ian Foster

A football called Wilson. To complete the Castaway look with that fast-developing beard.

Kev the Kitman

A nice rest. No one works harder than our Kev – as he isn’t afraid to tell you.

Johnny Moore

A trip to North Korea. They don’t celebrate Christmas there – so Johnny won’t have to put up with all the JCL drinkers.

A very merry Christmas to all Pompey fans!